Amerika Morales Obituary

Amerika you were a great friend -always stood up for me at Columbus West and on the bus. Dennis, Moses and I would always go to your house after paisans and take our instruments and try to serenade you. We’ve never forgotten you and will never forgot the way you and your mom treated us -or that time you and your mom drove me all the way out to Romeoville when I got stuck one time and saved me. Y’all were really some of the most amazing people and I’m truly grateful to have had y’all in my life. Until we meet again old friend. Much love to you and the family.

I went to visit you today. And I got to see Jaydon. I couldn't stop looking at him, he made me feel close to you. You and your grandma are together again. May you both RIP. I miss you so much.

Amerika,

Thinking of you during this holiday season.

Your are truly missed but never forgotten.
I keep your family in my prayers....

Didn't mean to put question marks was suppossed to be !!!!we all know you are truly missed by so many

Sorry Amerika lil late wishing you a happy birthday a day we will always share,you are truly missed by so many??

<3 <3 <3 Love you, Eliyana, Jaydon, and your mama with all my heart! I have taken in Eliy as my own sister, and your mom as my own Mother. Your memory is eternal. Next month will be very difficult. Please watch over your family.

There is not a day goes bye that your not on my mind. Missing our AmeRika... Te amo tanto! ~ Pop

We miss you.

Rika:

You are missed but never forgotten.

Thinking of you....

Happy Birthday to an angel with eternal beauty and a smile that made everyone's day better. You will forever be remembered. Thinking about you and missing you every day. Until we meet again.....

I am thankful to have been your mother.

At nite, like this nite, darkness falls upon my soul and crashes me to the floor. Sadness overcomes me and will not go away. Tears fall for the past I'll never get back. Scream. I want to scream for all that I will never get back and for all that I will never have with you. My baby, my 1st born child...what a celebration we should be having this year. Instead, some flowers and more tears. I miss you. I miss you everyday.

We will celebrate our birthday together someday..nov.25th.. until then, you are so loved and missed!

I miss my beautiful child. Closing my eyes to imagine that face of yours, what I wouldn't give for one more smile. Until we meet again, I'll keep on imagining that smile, those eyes, that laugh, that walk, the dance, your flow...all of it, everyday. Until my dying day, my last breath - I carry you everywhere. I love you I miss you.

I carry your love everywhere I go.

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

There's a empty hole inside that can never be filled. Words can't even explain it. Miss you so so so much my BFF.

I roll the window down & then begin to breathe in the darkest county road & the strong scent of evergreen, from the passenger seat, as you are driving me home. Then looking upwards, I strain my eyes & try to tell the difference between shooting stars & satellites, from the the passenger seat, as you are driving me home. Do they collide – I ask & you smile…with my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter. When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride, when you need directions, then I'll be the guide…for all time.

Happy belated birthday beautiful. Miss the sunshine in your eyes and that infectious smile. I can still hear your voice and feel the comfort you carried. One day though, we will fly together.

Kindergarten was so long ago, but with a class as unique as ours, how could we ever forget!! It was just me, you, Daniel and Adrian.. you were my best friend, you were my first friend!! When I moved to Antioch, we kept touch for a couple years then we drifted.. in 2007, I got a phone call that I wish I had never received.. your mom called me to tell me what happened, and I cried like a baby! She found my phone number in your room.. after all those years, you kept it! I just wished you would have used it more. I'm thinking about you more than ever now and what I would give to see you again and meet your son.. I know you're in a wonderful place and I can't wait to see you again one day!

I heard your voice on Saturday as she spoke to me…she’s so much like you, yet so different. I try to make up to her everything I am sorry for with you. I’m not the same person I was when you were alive…I’m better, and worse.
I see you when I look at the two of them…they look so much like you, yet so different. I try to give them everything I couldn’t give to you. Im not the same person I was when you were alive…im better, and worse.
I saw you on my way to work today…you’re in every young woman I look at. I try to imagine where you’d be going so early in the morning. Sometimes they catch me staring at them, some smile…but most just ignore me. I wonder what they’d think if they knew…I suppose some would smile, and others would continue to ignore…but I’m not the same person I was when you were I alive…I’m better, and worse.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Don’t worry, no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.
I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear. God, I remember the fear.
I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.
I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.
I know that it feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.
I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep road to travel. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.
You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what your family will need you to be. Worse, you’ll think that you don’t even know what they need you to be. You do. I promise. You will.
When you became a mother, you held that tiny baby in your arms and in an instant, she filled your heart. You were overwhelmed with love. The kind of love you never expected. The kind that knocks the wind out of you. The kind of all encompassing love that you think couldn’t possibly leave room for any other. But it did.
That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.
You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you. Hell, I am you.

I remember who you used to be, and wonder what you've become...
I miss your being, but still feel your presence in all that I do.
Biding time...still

It's better to lite a candle than curse the darkness...

There is no word, no label, no identifying marker,
I am not a widow, not an orphan, not childless,
But one child less.
One less laugh,
One less challenge,
One less artful manipulation,
One less word of comfort, one less grateful hug.
One less chance to embrace a daughter,
One less new life to carry your eyes, your smile, your name,
No one word for the pain, the longing, the brevity
Of a life meant for living, an old soul meant to grow older than mine,
Would there be any one price too high, any sacrifice too great,
For one more moment, one more breath, one more warm touch?
I grasp desperately and sense the closeness –
the one just at the fingertips of my heart and mind,
Only to realize again and again and again,
There is no "One" – you are gone and I am...less

We all miss you very much and have a wonderful Birhday. Remember your never far from our hearts.
Love alway's,
Uncle John, Auntie Kim, Ray-Ray, T and Davey.

I miss you more than I have words for...
Visit me

When you look down upon me, what is it that you see?
Your mother, struggling to be whole again.
When you look down upon me,
Do I have a smile on my face...all the while my heart is broken.
The pain is overwhelming me,
taking so long to heal.
When you look down upon me,
can you see me as I have never been before, with a love so strong for you and a longing to see your face.
When you down upon me,
do you see that I miss you so.
That I long for the comfort of
your smile and laughter in your voice.
When you look down upon me,
do you see me shed many tears
of anguish for the loss that I feel.
For the days I will no longer
have you to love and to cherish you...
For the rest of my life to
wonder what you would have become.
When you look down upon me,
do you see the mother that
loves you so much and misses
you every moment of every day.
When you look down upon me,
do you reach out your arms
wanting to comfort me.
Do you wish that you could tell me
that it will be alright.
When you look down upon me,
do you want to tell me that
I will be with you shortly.
Do you want me to hold you
in my arms and protect you
from harm.
When you look down upon me,
are you sad and forlorn,
waiting for the moment I will
cross over...
When you look down upon me,
do you see me walk slowly
as if I am lost.
Do you see me racked with grief
and crying angry tears.
When you look down upon me,
do you want to assure me that
you are happy and content
in the arms of the Lord...
Until the end...

Feeling lost and all alone
I want to bury all the memories
Leave no trace that you ever existed
Maybe then I could sleep at night
Maybe then my eyes will be free…
From all the tears
Don’t want to drag this pain with me
Everywhere I go …
I want to be normal again
But everywhere I look is a reminder of you...
Of everything we shared.
Why can’t I let you go?
Let your spirit rein
Why cant I smile in reminisce
The scar is deep
And the emptiness makes me cold
I to feel like I have gone…
Into another world
A world where happiness
Is an obstacle & laughter is a challenge
And complete is almost impossible…

I miss you...I miss you...I miss you

Of all the things I miss, being able to look into your eyes and read your story is what I am missing most these days. You could never hide behind those hazel eyes, you wore every emotion in them. I used to be like that too...but now I see nothing...just a colorless emotion staring back at me, questioning life and whats in store for me after I am gone. Worrying more about that than the present...torn. Longing to be with you, knowing Im needed here. Biding time...everyday.

Missing your laugh and how it always made me laugh too. Fighting back tears caused by this empty ache I have inside. Im sorry I haven't visited...I always leave there so angry and Im tired of being mad. Wanting you back so bad, having to accept that will never be & its killing me. Im waiting for your answer...I ask you everyday...just give me a sign Rika...
Love you

Anxiety is ever present now...
I will myself to breathe, I have to.
Inside its getting quiet, I don't like the silence...I'd rather hear screaming than nothing at all. Im certain of the scars...I know of no other way to rid myself of this heartache.
You searched for happiness your whole life, and brought to so many what you were never able to find for yourself.

Im a month away from acknowledging the worst day of my life. I wonder how Ive made it this far, it still amazes me.
I won't ever be able to face the truth, the pain is too much and I don't have the strength to let you go. Inside Im always screaming at Him to give you back to me...knowing you no longer belong to me, and refusing to accept that you never did. You're my Rika...and each nite I pray for a visit...why haven't you come? Are you mad at me? Don't you see me struggling and failing time and time again. Im so angry that you left me. We had such big plans you and me...and now Im lost and unable to find my way without you there to guide us. The light in my life has faded and the days are as dark as nite now and Im tired of doing this

Your day is remembered...the hour of your birth is near. Hard to believe you'd be 22...but instead you will be Forever 18

No matter where I go, I always find you there, deep inside my heart. Am I selfish for wanting more, needing more?
I don't have words for how I feel, don't think they exist. To say I miss you is an understatement...

Give Yiyia hugs for me...
I love you both

My life...on stand-by.
I need you now, more like yesterday...the last time I could see you smile. So standby and watch, watch
this fall away and watch me fall apart.
I fall to pieces, I can't let go
of all the times I never said goodbye.
Water fills my open eyes, wishing I could have known you better so that I could of taken away the pain and replaced it all with light...just as you did for us. And I'll keep waiting to hold you in my arms, and embrace you forever...

So I had another death dream, and although this one did not have the intensity that yours did...its coming, I feel it. Now I will have to just wait and see if history repeats itself. The 25th is near...too close for me. What would it of been this year Rika? Jewelry, clothes...nah, cash was always your favorite. I will bring you something and we will celebrate together, like we always have. That will never change...

Your birthday is coming...I wonder how I've made it thru three already. I dread this time of year...Im always crying, always at the most inappropriate times and places. People must think Im crazy, and I suppose they are right...but its a good crazy, or so Ive been told. I wonder if you would of been married, if you would of had more children, if you would of went back to school and what kind of career would you have...I wonder if you'd still be blonde, or how many times you would of changed your look since then. I wonder where you'd be living, would we of done like we planned and gotten apartments right next to each other and worked different shifts so one of us would of always been home with Jay. I wonder if I would of had another child, or maybe I would of gotten married and you could of been my bridesmaid like we used to say you would. I wonder if you see the things I do in remembrance of you...the extra dinner plate, the empty seat that nobody can sit in, because its yours...the things Ive left at the cemetery, like the ring I buried...I imagine you are wearing it, so I never bother to look for it cause I know it's on your finger. I wonder if I'll ever see you again, and are you going to be mad at me for the way things have turned out...that I haven't fought enough for what is rightfully yours, mine...ours. I haven't given up, I never will. I will never break that promise to you.

I vaguely remember that conversation with him...I think the only part I do remember is asking him "Did you see her face before you hit her"..."no, it was like a bird hitting the windshield." I never understood that, until today, until a bird hit my windshield...now I know that it happened so quick, I'm hoping you never knew what was going on, but in my heart, deep inside, I know that for a moment you realized that your time was up. And I wonder what went thru your mind...I can only imagine what your last thought was...
And today I cried, I cried so hard I thought I would lose control of the car. Damn bird!

And now I really am alone...it is much worse now, I miss my distraction that kept me from having to feel all of this pain. And now I have to feel it, alone. I wonder why I was left behind, and wouldn't it of been better to take me instead? You had your whole life ahead of you...it's not fair! I don't even want to be a part of this anymore...I've made mistake after mistake since you've been gone...no one here to talk any sense into me anymore. I brought another child into this world, another life I will ruin, another fatherless child whose insecurities will be my downfall...
You should be here Rika, to help your sister get ready for homecoming and give her advice on boys...to raise your son to grow into a man, to get married and have more children...
It should of been me, and Im so sorry it wasn't.

I miss her...
I miss everything about her.
I spend my nights crying, gasping for air and praying for a visit that never comes. I want her back so bad...
Im not finished
I cant do this without you Rika...

Dysphoric, disconsolate, despondent and destroyed...
An empty shell of what once was
Desolate, desperate, disgusted
and disliked...
Where you used to be, there is a hole and I find myself falling into it over and over again and again...

I made it thru another memorial for you, it brought back that gut wrenching feeling like someone is ripping out your insides...God there's nothing left! I'm empty, have been ever since & will be ever more, but I have survived. I have survived the shock, the horror, the bargaining, the barren empty feeling in the depths of my very soul...I am surving this grief.

There's a hole in me…a part of me is missing. I keep
looking for my Rika, but all I find are bits and pieces of
her…something she wrote, a picture she took, a book she read, a tape she made, something she drew…but there is an emptiness in me that these
bits and pieces cannot fill, that nothing will ever fill. I wander around, and sometimes without realizing I am doing it, I shake my head in disbelief, thinking it can't be true. But I know it is. My baby is gone and she is not coming back. I will have to go to her…someday There's a hole in me and it hurts terribly, much worse than I ever
imagined anything could hurt. I am angry…not at God or at my daughter
for leaving me…I am not angry at anyone or anything in particular. I am just angry. I want to scream and strike out at something. Sometimes I feel as if I am going to explode and I expect to see pieces of me flying in all directions. I want to fill this hole in me so that everything that is left inside me will not spill out. I want someone else who loved her to hug me when I cry and tell me it will be all right, even though I think it never will be.

Another year has come and gone,
And you, so far away from me now...
But in my heart still.
Forever, I will hold you close.
Each smile, laugh and tear I’ve cried
A testament to your presence.
I will always love you...
No matter what happens.
Your death can not separate us.
I’m right here, loving you as always.
I will never forget your spirit.
I am no longer afraid.
To live or die is the same for me.
You are with me on this journey.

I've so much to ask you Rika...
wondering if you remember the things that I think of every other minute of the day? Searching for scraps of paper to write down my memories so that I can always have them...because I know that as long as I remember, a part of you will always be with me.
You played a different role in so many lives...a mother, a sister, a friend and a daughter, ask anyone, and they'll tell you the same, she brought us joy when we had pain...the love & strength of one woman held us all together.
Grandma taught me a biblical verse this weekend, it has impacted me...
So someday, you will hear his voice and we will all be together again...
"Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all who are in the tombs will hear his voice
and will come out, those who have done good deeds to the resurrection of life, but those who have done wicked deeds to the resurrection of condemnation."
I am comforted in knowing that I will spend eternity with you...

Never a day passes that I do not remember.
Yet, I must admit that it becomes
more difficult with passing time
To retrieve from my memory
The precise cadence of your laugh,
The intricate design of your features,
The spring in your step.
But never a day passes that I do not remember.
I remember in the absence of things,
The cheerfulness,
The beauty,
The energy,
The passion you brought to life,
The empty seat at the dinner table.
I remember because I hurt for things that are no more.
And never a day passes that I do not remember.
I remember in the presence of things,
The photographs,
The funny expression,
The quick trip down the garage stairs,
Your favorite sandwich,
The colors of life you enjoyed,
The love stamped indelibly on my heart.
Sounds grow faint,
Visions fade.
Sometimes I am frustrated by that,
Then I remember that your memory
Pulsates in every beat of my heart:
Love keeps it alive.
Never a day passes that I do not remember.
And quite often
When I remember
I cry.

You have been the treasure in my hand, the one who always stood beside me...so unaware, I foolishly believed that you would always be there, but then there came that day, when I turned my head and you will slipped away.
MISSING YOU
LOVING YOU
FOREVER
AND EVER

i saw it in the newspaper today & knew it was meant for me...
i miss you...a little more each day

this is the new year...and i dont feel any different. im so angry all the time. the realization of another year without you is sinking in and it stings. there is no one to share this sorrow...to ease this pain, to hold and to cry with...i am all alone with my thoughts of you...laughter turns to tears & tears turn to anger & anger to confusion. love is not what we think it is, it does not leave when our time has passed...it lingers, for all eternity.

I meant to say "Good morning" each time you awoke;
I meant to say "How are you" whenever we spoke
I meant to say "You're special" when no one seemed to care;
I meant to say "I thank you" just for being there
I meant to say "I'll help you" no matter what the task;
I meant to say "I'll listen" to each question you'd ask
I meant to say "You helped me" for answers you'd give;
I meant to say "Cause of you" for reasons that I live.
I meant to say "I'm sorry" when I was wrong;
I meant to say "Don't worry" when roads ahead seemed long
I meant to say "I'll lead you" when you couldn't find the road;
I meant to say "I'll take it" when you couldn't bear the load
I meant to say nothing at all each time I'd complain;
I meant to say "I'll shield you" from every drop of rain
I meant to say "Forgive me" for each tear you'd cry;
I meant to say "Give me one chance to tell you why."
I meant to say "I'll find it" when all you sought was time;
I meant to say "I'll pull you" over each uphill climb
I meant to say "Take my hand" as each road began to slant;
I meant to say "Yes you can" when you said you can't
I meant to say "Here's the key" to secrets I keep;
I meant to say "Dream sweetly" as you closed your eyes to sleep.
I meant to say "I love you"...
And that one hurts the most of all.

this is the new year...and i dont feel any different. im so angry all the time. the realization of another year without you is sinking in and it stings. there is no one to share this sorrow...to ease this pain, to hold and to cry with...i am all alone with my thoughts of you...laughter turns to tears & tears turn to anger & anger to confusion. love is not what we think it is, it does not leave when our time has passed...it lingers, for all eternity.

Daughter, once I thought I lost you.
So completely did I sorrow,
No light of hope could find my heart
No vision of tomorrow.
In my grief, I only saw your loss,
The space where you had been.
When all the while, you were right here,
In a safer place within.
Now, you will never sorrow again,
For only love survives.
Within my heart your memory dwells
And shines out through my eyes.
The legacy of love you left
We will strive to carry on.
As long as I live, I’ll remember you,
And you will not be gone.

Id give it all to have your eternity, it's really all that assures me. It's worth all that hurts me. On that day, the day you went away, I will always remeber and regret it forever. I want to go away...seen better times in yesterday. It's hard to say, everything will be OK.

i wonder how i could keep this plant alive for almost 3 years now without even taking care of it, and yet no matter how much love and care i gave to you, youre gone...if my love alone could of kept you alive i think you'd of lived forever

I stood there frozen, looking at the mirror...trying to convince myself that you looked nothing like me, yet your face was all I could see. It hurts and I miss you more than I can explain to anyone. There are no words for the emptiness I own and I don't know how Im going to make it thru alone...

miss u so much rika...

i couldnt believe my friend when she told me that rika passed away.. i was in shock.. i had met her in the 6th grd (burnham elementary) and graduated with her at (columbus west school) she was such a sweet and funny person to hang around with.. i remember she couldnt make up her mind 4 her new "MAKEOVER" for graduation.. she wanted blonde or maybe red for her hair, and green or blue contacts.. she ended up a brunette.. and i told her she didint need green contacts because her eyes already looked green!! i still have the graduation pictures.. she looked so pretty that day! i just know that she is in a better place w/ god and she is watching over her son and family.. she will be terribly missed... r.i.p. Amerika Morales

** my lil guerita**

Sometimes I reconnect to you...in those moments I am happy again. Each nite I pray that God do a favor for me...maybe I don't deserve it, but I ask for it daily anyway...it's the only way I know how to reach you. They'd think I was crazy if they knew how I always talk to you, no one to blame but themselves...they could of listened, you know how I feel about that. I imagine that someday I will be able to talk to you until I run out of things to say...but until that day, I will continue to be the crazy lady who talks to herself, or so they think.

I tell people your story, I believe they think I am crazy...but I don't care. I believe that if I talk about you, it's like your still here. Everyday is one day closer to you and I finally have something to look forward to.

I remember the chicken nugget story and laugh out loud...I remember how you would "flow" on the rooftop...I remember how you danced...I remember that silly song you always sang to Jay...I remember how green your eyes were in the sunlite...I remember your contagious laugh...I remember you. You will will always be with me, the plans I make still have you in them Rika, and they always will...

Funny how the truth brings us places we dont want to be, and yet it is our own fault we arrive there. Someone once told me that there isnt anything they would not do to be by my side, and altho their words were just that - I can say those words to you and mean them from the depths of my soul Rika. There is no greater happiness than looking into the eyes of my children and knowing that I have unconditional love. That is one of my most missed and cherished memories of you. I took it for granted that you'd always be there when I needed you.

I really missed you today...had the best possible sub, but nothing compares to the real thing. I'm hurting Rika...and I need you with me now...whatever happened in my life, I always took for granted the fact that I'd always have my family, my children...YOU. I wish you never left me, us. There's no one to turn to now...looking within is empty. Nothing there but the void that was left behind when you went away. Happy birthdays are gone...happy everything gone. I hope we are together soon...I can't take much more

I wonder what would be on your list...you never outgrew making them. We'd sit & look at those catalogs for hours at a time.
Damn, I really miss that...I really miss you.

Dearest Amerika Olivia, I miss you more than I ever imagined one human being could possibly miss anyone. I miss the way you used to call me in the morning to ask for advice, although you rarely ever took it, you always asked. I miss the light in your eyes when you looked at Jay...happiness and pride only seen thru the eyes of a mother. I miss how you would never accept the word no...how you would just continue to plead your case until we finally caved. I miss how you would drink all of my vodka, replace it with water, and swear you had no idea how that could happen. I miss our talks...when I had no idea what I was doing you did. You spoke the truth, good &; bad, you kept it real. I'd give anything to have you back. My own life is worthless without you. It's impossible to express the emptiness I own. I try to justify all of this guilt, this grief...it's so confusing. I wonder if it will ever go away, I know the answer, yet I am so desperate I lie. We all suffer in this loss, but as your mother, I try to be strong for all of them. The more strength I provide on the outside, the weaker I become. I will honor you for the rest of my life. I am so proud of you my precious child, I only wish I had said it more in your lifetime.

I miss my best friend...

I feel so helpless
Unable to stop these tears or this tragedy from unfolding over & over in my head. Silently screaming for help...is there no one to ease the pain, the burden, the anger, the sadness, the confusion, the desperation...
God help me

4:00 in the morning, afraid to open my eyes...another day of grief, a day of fear. All alone I feel. I try to justify all the pain, all of this guilt before my eyes. Another day of confusion, a day of wondering...is this ever just going to go away? All this pain that I feel, and all of this anger...is it going to stay? 10:00 in the evening, afraid of the nite, again my breathing stops...all I can do is stare into the walls. Another nite of cyring, a nite of hiding...alone once again. My heart feels empty. Another day wasted on insecurity, a day I wonder...is this ever going to end?

He's beautiful and perfect...
Thank you.
I know you know how I've been feeling, I know you understand and I look to you for the answers I cannot find by myself. Please help me find a way to let go of the pain...I cannot escape it and it needs to end. Why must they hurt us?

I cant find the words thru all of these tears...
I only want to be with you again.

sometimes i think im the only one who remembers, like i have to remind people who you were, like i have to explain the emotions that so abruptly take control of me.
i want you back, each day i miss you more and am constantly reminding my aching heart that each day is one day closer to you.
i love you amerika olivia

I cant sleep...
until all the stories in my head are dismissed, until my mind is clear and the questions of this day fade away
I can't sleep...
until you lay by my side & ask me to play with your hair, or tickle your arm, or massage your back.
Until you tell me of your plans once again, make me understand why you do the things you do
Until I hear your laughter tonite
I can't sleep

Happy Mothers Day

I woke up today feeling awful & I didn't know why. I didn't get out of bed til after 11 and found myself crying, but I didn't know why. I went out & did errands and felt completely empty inside, but I didn't know why. I came home with food for Eliy & I but couldn't eat a bite, still...I didn't know why. Then she reminded...today is the 14th.
Now I know why.

Clutched tightly in my hand...
your picture
Trying to work out in my mind why I'm left here, broken...
I'll die trying
In this moment I miss many things, but mostly how you used to lay your head on my lap & fall asleep while I played with your hair...
I'd tell you my hand is tired...
two more minutes...
I'd give anything for just two more minutes
Do you hear me talking to you?

Your love is my salvation
But just as your life is gone,
so is your love.
Theres nothing left but this emptiness.

Months pass, as do the years...
whatever, they've all lost their relevance
Trapped in a nitemare, never to awaken...
just biding my time, starving for sanity
Pathetic

You were right.
I wonder why I blew you off when you said it. How did you know?
Another broken promise I am left to mend alone. Another wall to build to keep away the pain.
I wish it had been me.
You are so much better than I ever cared to be...you should be here.
I just want to talk to you... Remember when you used to reach out to me? How you'd get right in my face until I told you what you wanted to hear...can you still do that for me? If I talk this time will you listen? I miss it all, every word you ever spoke...I have forgotten how they sound. There is only silence now.

You see me smiling.
What you don't see is that I am screaming behind that smile.
You see me go on with everything.... work.... groceries...life in general.
What you don't see is that it takes every ounce of energy
I have just to breathe.
You see me alone with my thoughts.
What you don't see is me talking to Him and her.
You see me say "I am fine".
What you don't see is the huge hole in my heart that can never be filled.
You see me and think "she's back to normal".
What you don't see is that there is no normal for me anymore.
You see me and think "Oh my God I hope this never happens to me"
What you don't see is that as much as I long for you to
understand me... I hope this never happens to you either.
You see me joking and laughing with others and think she
must be getting over what has happened.
What you don't see is that I can never forget, nor would I want to,
you don't get over the loss of a child.
You see me sad and don't know what to say so you keep going.
What you don't see is all I really want is for you to ask how
I am doing, really, and give me a hug.
You see that life goes on.
What you don't see is that on January 14th, 2006 the life I had was
Forever changed…life will never be the same.
You see that I am strong... do not be deceived.
What you don't see is that I am weak and weary. somedays I am 6 feet from the edge.
What you see is a mask.... a lie. The mask helps you cope with me,
and me cope with myself.
What you don't see is the raw sometimes unbearable pain.
You don't see me being unable to breathe.
What you don't see is my despair. You don't see me screaming to
heaven for God to give my daughter back.
What you don't see you could never understand anyway unless you
walk a mile in my shoes.... God Forbid.

I am walking in the present but living in the past. I look at your photo and all seems right with the world...a big smile on your face and it in turn makes me smile. How quickly a smile can turn to tears...here comes that gut wrenching feeling again. I wonder if the pain ends when we die. How much longer will I embrace sorrow?

Helplessness, my constant companion. Send me a sign, bring hope.

Lost in all my thoughts. Lighting candles...wanting out of this darkness that now consumes me. Searching for a place that sorrow does not exist, searching for a place that does not exist. I've been searching for a year now, unable to find anything that compares to the completeness I used to feel. It's true what they say...You don't know what you've got til it's gone." I'll never forget our last day together...our final words. I cherish that day, I always will. I think of you just as I did before, you are always with me. I carry you everywhere.

Lost in all my thoughts. Lighting candles...wanting out of this darkness that now consumes me. Searching for a place that sorrow does not exist, searching for a place that does not exist. I've been searching for a year now, unable to find anything that compares to the completeness I used to feel. It's true what they say...You don't know what you've got til it's gone." I'll never forget our last day together...our final words. I cherish that day, I always will. I think of you just as I did before, you are always with me. I carry you everywhere.

My soul drifts aimlessly in times of hopelessness.
It searches tirelessly for meaning and truth ...
Yet finds no direction.
My heart bleeds quietly in times of loneliness.
It yearns to find warmth and happiness ...
Yet it somehow eludes me.
My eyes seek out visions in times of want.
They gaze endlessly through the blackness that envelops them ...
Yet they cannot see the light.
My ears listen earnestly in times of silence.
They search for familiar sounds to comfort and console ...
Yet they cannot penetrate the darkness that surrounds me.
My arms reach out frantically in times of despair.
They seek strength and compassion to enfold me ...
Yet they find nothing substantial to enwrap.
My mind cries out desperately in times of solitude.
It poses intense questions that demand answers ...
Yet there are none to be found.

Can I go home now?
I’m tired of hurting and I just want to be loved.
Do you still remember me?
I think I may have been forgotten.
I know you’re busy, but could you please try to find some time for me?
I’m ready for peace…mind, body and soul.
Take me home to see the child I miss so much.
Are you waiting for another revelation?
How many must I have?
How many more before I can come home?

Every day is consistent. Each grief filled moment ripping at my heart is merely a moment closer to you. I wonder if it's worth fighting for? My sanity that is. Why not just permit the emotional aspect of grief to take over? The one thing in my life I cannot analyze. It just is...no explanation, no justification, no cause...only effect. What is left but faith? My belief that does not rest on logical proof, material or evidence...and yet I cling to it with every aspect of my being, for without it, I too would surely die...
I am counting down the days while at the same time, I am hoping they rush past me like a gust of wind. One year without you, one year closer to you. For those who knew you are all victims of circumstantial wretchedness who, like me, are anxious to be in your presence once again...longing for your laughter...loving you unconditionally & eternally.

Grief is feeling like you’ll never let go.
It sounds like the sobbing of a broken heart.
It tastes like a desert, dry and flavorless.
Grief feels like you just can’t go on.

Merry Christmas Rika.
Thank you for the best gift ever.
I love you eternally.

I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.

I woke up this morning believing I would see you this weekend and there is a part of me that hopes it is true. I bought you something for Christmas and put it under the tree. I want you to be there with us on Christmas morning, cause I can't imagine doing this without you. I remember so clearly last year, how your eyes lit up as you opened each gift, loving life. I wonder what it is like for you now...whether or not you remember the little things that we now cherish. I miss you Rika...I miss you so much & I can't wait to be with you again. I love you.

If only somebody understood, if only I had one person to talk with. Such lonely days, all mine. Days no else could possibly claim. These days should not exist, for they are cold and they are exceptionally empty. I often wonder how any one person who knew you could possibly celebrate this holiday...I know I cannot. Can you imagine this place? This dark & hollow place, this senseless, purposeless, worthless, vacuous life...my life...my life without you.

well here i go again rika letting you know how much i miss you, you are in my thoughts everyday. I just wish it was more, i wish i could pick up the phone and call you, tell you to come over w/ jay and stay with me for the weekend like you used to....god i miss those days:( I believe i am still in shock that your gone, and the year has gone by so fast, don't worry i'm going to come see you i promise (pinky swear on lock!!) No one will ever take your place, no one ever could, you are someone very special to me rika, and i know you always knew that, just as you let me know the same, please watch over everyone with your beautiful presence, you are greatly missed more than words can ever explain by many. I'll see you in my dreams friend=) I love you and miss you mucho!! love ~Patrise~ aka McMassa;)

Numb...
If only I could stay this way. Instead I feel everything. All the pain is here in me, distorting my life. I don't know how to reach you anymore & I must! I have to hear you speak & tell me not to worry. Let your words speak of all the peace you have found, all the love that surrounds you. I have to know. The anger inside is sickening & I have forgotten how to breathe.

Rika,

It has taken me this long to write this and I am still at a loss. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. I know that you have found the peace that you were looking for. Watch over your Mom and Sister they need you to give them strength. Know that you hold a place in my heart forever. Whenever I see pizza and French Dressing I think of you.
Love you
AD

Tomorrow is such a special day & I already have butterflies just thinking about it. It just doesn't feel right to say Happy Birthday, but I'm going to anyways. I love you Rika & miss you so much. I hope you've found the peace you always searched for. Happy Birthday Beautiful!

A holiday without you is like, well, there is nothing I know that compares to it. I miss you and it makes me crazy...
I love you Amerika Olivia

Rika,

I think about you every day. I miss you dearly, and I know you're watching over everyone you loved. You hold a special place in my heart, you did the first day I met you and you will continue to hold that place forever.

Love,
Lauren