Tony Parisi Obituary

This is so random, but I felt like writing it down.

I remember back in the late 80's when you guys were teens and you and our brother Jay helped me fill up my tiny Datsun with large cement pieces from a building that had been torn down on Milwaukee Ave. The elderly neighbor, Jane, heard about the teardown and wanted some of the broken cement for her garden. I broke a leaf spring over it, but we delivered, and felt good about helping out.

Happy Birthday, take care of Jay for us, we miss you guys

Love, your Sister

miss you son love you mama

Happy Birthday Tony

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON LOVE YOU VERY MUCH ALWAYS MISSING AND THINKING OF YOU MAMA

Can you believe Chris is 15? He got his learner's yesterday. He's such a good kid, they all are really. I've been lucky so far. I don't know how I've managed to raise such loving, unmaterialistic boys as I watch the kids around them with their "me" attitudes and problems. They are growing into fine young men and I hate that you are missing out on it. They still talk about you and still ask questions about what you were like. One of our favorite things is when I'm able to tell them how they do/act/say something just like you did.

I LOVE YOU TONY YOUR ALWAYS IN MY HEART----MAMA

How many years will it take before it doesn't hit me in the middle of the night like a sick nightmare? I can't believe it's been 8 years when I can remember every minute of that day like it was yesterday. I hate this and I am so scared about Nick. I just want to wake up and find out it has all been a bad dream

Tony I did not miss your Birthday as you know its just hard to survive that day wish you were here miss you very much and I will ALWAYS LOVE you .......MAMA

I can't believe yet another birthday has come and gone. Days seem to pass so quickly now and before I know it another year has passed. I still pray for you, still talk to you, still ask you to help watch over the boys. And I still hate some decisions made in life but it's too late for all that now. Just know that you are never forgotten. Happy Birthday.

hey man been thinking bout u for years,not good with words but u r loved n missed .

just wanted to leave you a quick note to say hi and that we miss you very much. Happy Belated Birthday. we added another member to the family and I got 3 boys just like you!!! I love You Bro!!!!!!

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday. Gave Chris your stereo today, thought it was time. Nick is more like you everyday and it scares me. Please help me watch over the boys.

" Happy Birthday Son " You have been gone six years and I still miss you very very much. I love you. and tell all thats with you Hi. and I send my love. I love you Tony-----------mama

There are so many memories you just can't make go away. Images you can't erase from a memory no matter how hard you try. Songs that trigger something when you hear them and have you in tears. A song from 6 years ago that was playing that haunts me and yet I'm drawn to listen to at times. A note I'm compelled to pull out and read now and again even though I know every word by heart and I know how it ends. Every time I think I have a grip it rears it's ugly head to wrestle me back down to the ground to show me who's in control. I watch the ones that were young then struggle now to cope with the whys of it and it makes me want to scream. More needless suffering...will it never stop?

Do me a favor and take care of my mom for mother's day for me. I miss her so much and am dreading facing it without her and it would mean alot to me to know you are there with her to give her the hug I can't.

It's getting to that time of year again. The memories start creeping back. I wish I could just skip over the next month....

I have been thinking of you lately your children were here you have another person up there with you. boy time is passing so fast, just thought i drop you a line to let you know i thinking of you.................MAMA

Hi son thought I'd drop you a line to let you know that I am thinking of you as always. It is one of those depressing rainning days and I thought that I would spend some time writting to you since I miss you. alot of frustration here with the rest of family and I need your comforting as you would do sometimes on the days before you left. last time I talked to was the day before I had a garage sale and sold some of your tools you were happy and glad I made some money for you and myself someones junk is somenes else treasure. well SON i want to you to know I Love You and will write you again you are my Treasure, I LOVE YOU MAMA

Tony my son, I haven't been able to accept your leaving . I miss you so much words can't say your always in my daily life. I remember so many things that you did while growing up especially that smile that little curl in the side of you lip,or the twitch of your eye, just like your father.I remember so many good times,and I miss them I miss you. your in my prayers always. So many are up there with you now say hi to them for me I LOVE YOU TONY MY SON mama

Happy birthday Tony - late as usual, but these days are passing too fast anyway, half the time I don't know what day it is anymore. It's been hard, but I'm holding out. Thinking of you with everything I do. Love, your sister.

HAPPY BIRTDAY TONY!! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE THINKING OF YOU!!!

tony my son happy birthday i love you very much and always miss you very much i am always thinking of you your will always be in my heart love you mama

Happy Birthday and know your in our thoughts today and always. Our lives may be very busy but you are always a part of it.
Love,
Michelle, Chris, Nick and Ben

Your name & face has somehow been brought to my attention lately so perhaps you are thinking of me & I wanted you to know that I think of you too.
Billy

I just wanted to let you know that you were on my mind today. It's funny how fast 5 years can fly by in the blink of an eye. I remember so much of that day so vividly and I wish it would go away. I don't remember the weather that supposedly slowed things down and prevented the helicopter from coming into Hanover. I remember having to come home from the hospital and tell the boys you were gone. I wish I could pick and choose the memories. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy. I hope you are still watching over all of us and helping me to keep the boys safe. I hope I am right that you have found the peace that you never could find in life.

It's sad how no one stops by anymore. I can't even seem to find the time nowadays. Life keeps me busy but I am always thinking, always remembering. A conversation here, a thought there. Brief moments, passing comments, no matter how inconsequential they might seem to someone who wouldn't know, but you are still a part of our everyday life in so many ways. People tell me all the time how the boys must look like their dad. I agree, they don't look like me, they take after you. It's funny how Chris has been going through this phase of wanting to grow his hair long. It's been for over a year now and it's pretty long. He definitely doesn't get that from John. The pictures he's seen of you are always with short hair, pretty much non existant hair. But yet it's like in some way he's got that part of you in him. They all have a little something. I see it now and then. It makes me smile, I'm glad that they do and I always make sure that I point whatever it is out to them and tell them what they are doing that reminds me of you or that is something you did too. It makes them feel good to know they do things like you without knowing it. That they are still connected to you after all this time.

It's been a few months since I've been on here. Time has a way of catching up with me though and I find myself back here again. Life never seems to slow down. Even now I am at work with a million things to do but figured I'd take a few minutes and hop on here while the kids sleep. Baseball season has started again. Ben and Nick are on the same team this year. Chris is playing 3rd base on his team. We are heading up to Mom's on Saturday for spring break. Only I would choose to leave where it's 80some degrees and summer like to go where it's cold for spring break. We are bringing her a new puppy. It's the sister of the one we've got. In fact I'm going to get it today after work. The boys are so excited, they can't wait to get there. We're also going to go do Christmas with Jerry and Lin. Ha! Christmas in April! I won't be happy until I'm make home in my sandals and capris enjoying the sunshine.

Memory can tell us only what we were,
In company with those we loved;
It cannot help us find out what each of us,
Alone, must now become.
Yet, no person is really alone;
Those who live no more still echo
Within our thoughts and words,
And what they did has become
Woven into what we are.

It's been a while since I've made an entry here for you but, not since I've thought of you and remembered you. You were a great friend. Lately my own life has had a way of tapping me on the shoulder as a reminder that we can be here one day & gone the next. I think of you whenever that happens so I may relinquish the fear that comes along with such events in ones life. I know that you understand that although I may not visit this guest book often to type few words, does not mean that there is no other means of communicating. That's a relief because many lives have changed in just the past three years, it would take forever to catch one up on everyone's events in one entry. Like your sister said; "somehow I keep on keeping on"

that is what we all must ultimately do. It's hard & it's a struggle to do things on your own. I have learned a lot and one most important thing I have learned is that if your not happy, it's not the end of the world although it may feel that way. The strength that is who you were now flows through many and it helps to carry on.

The day of your birth was spent in reflection, in your honnor.

Happy Birthday, Ton.

As usual, I'm a day off - sorry.

Missing you, and looking at your photo brings tears, knowing all we're going thru, but somehow I keep on keeping on, remembering what you liked to say - "there's always a way". Like you, I improvise. I know you are watching and that you're safe, and if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, I hope you had a great one!

Love you always, my dear brother.

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday Dad. We can't send balloons today because of the weather but are still thinking about you and sending our love and a great big hug.

Well I sent a message a few days ago but I guess it didn't go through. It is cold and rainy here today....just like the day you died. Kind of fitting if you ask me. I was going to take today off of work but what better way to keep your mind busy than a classful of preschoolers? Just wanted to say Happy Birthday and that you are in my thoughts today.

I feel guilty that I don't get on here like I used to. Also because life is going so good for the kids and I. I love my job, I love my life, I love looking around at the mountains..even though I still don't like driving up them. Time seems to pass so quickly and before I even have time to stop and think it's been months since I've gotten on here. I have so much to say but can't get it out. I spend all day telling kids at school to "use your words" but mine fail me. I guess the most important thing is that I have not forgotten. I remember the good and the bad. I remember it all. We will always miss you and there will always be that empty space but we also have moved foward and continue to live our lives and the paths they have taken us down. A few years ago I could have never seen myself as a teacher and yet here I am and I love it. I never could have seen myself anywhere but Hanover but here I am and I love our house and I love our town. I love the beauty of the mountains and I love sitting on the porch and watching the thunder and lightening. I love watching the boys swimming in the pool out back and running through the grass and exploring the pasture. I love the look on their faces when they tell me they love me. I love when they remember you and I love when they refer to John as Dad. I don't believe in accidents and I believe our lives were planned out for us and while we have some say by the choices we make I believe we are all where we are for a reason. I believe we have to live through the bad so that we truly can appreciate the good. I have learned to love life, to love the little things and not to take anyone or anything for granted. I have learned that time is short and that there is no point in hiding from the camera because in the end when we are gone someone will be looking for pictures to remember us by. I have learned to be a better, more patient, kinder person. I have found the joy there is in making others smile and making them happy. I believe it is the little things I do for my friends that make up part of who I am and what I want to be. I have learned not to take anyone for granted and to love with all of your being. I have learned that one persons kindness can be the thing that keeps someone going and gives them a reason to smile on a bad day. I have learned to take more time to enjoy watching the boys grow and less time worrying about laundry and housework. I have also learned what wonderful little men these boys are and can be. I guess for now that is plenty. Give Lady and Sam a belly rub for me. Sammy is finally where she's always wanted to be....at your side.....

Yes, it's been a while. Things are so busy...work, the kids games and so on. My mind has been all over the place lately. I have been dating paperwork at work 2003. It bothers me. Just a stupid mistake but why that year? I remember this month all too well and really wish I could forget most of it. Maybe all the death of babies and little children that I have seen this year is finally getting to me. Watching people I know have to go through such a horrible thing. Going to funerals for babies and a little boy who should be running around on the playground at school.



I watch the boys and see what they have become and am so proud of them. They are happy. They have lots of friends. They are all doing so great in school. Chris loves his research on rocks. Nick is an excellent baseball player and loves it. Too bad I had to almost force him to play. Ben has helped a friend who lost his dad this year just by being there and by being Ben. And only someone who knows him could understand that. They are wonderful, kind hearted little boys and I am thankful to have them...even though some days I wish I could run away when they are fighting. I look in their eyes and faces and see their futures. Long, happy lives and the love of so many people.



I don't really know where I am going with this. It's almost 2am and I have to get up for work in 3-1/2 hours. I got up to get some motrin and was drawn to the computer, feeling the need to sit here and do this. I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest and maybe give my mind a chance to rest. Now I feel that I can go kiss the kids, yet again, and head back to bed and maybe get some much needed sleep....It's amazing how much them preschoolers can tire a person out. I am grateful to have you to talk to when I need to. Both here and otherwise.

You know I never was one for Easter, one of the many, many things we have in common. I hope that all I've done since you've been gone helps you understand what I can't tell you till we are together again. The wonderful Memory Book that Michelle distributed to the family is held dear, as are photos and memories. They don't replace you, and never will. There was a time in life that I owed you - and I know that you understand that it is now you that owes me. Never forget, my beloved brother, how much you mean to me.

Today Louisa and I were thinking and talking about you. We miss you and love you. You were always a great person and a true friend. You will always be remembered.

Just wanted to say happy birthday and let you know I'll be thinking about you today.

We wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow Daddy. We miss you and think about you. We love you.

Reflection



Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn

It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn

My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head

It wasn't my intention to go without words said.

My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say

It wasn't my intention not to see another day

I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain

It wasn't my intention to never see you again.

Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure

It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door

If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away

It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.

I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry

It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why

As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart

it wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart.

We were thinking about you on Father's Day. We miss you all the time. We are at Uncle Jerry and Aunt Linda's until mom comes back for the walk. We are having lots of fun here.

We love you...

A thought hit me last night after I told the kids about Grandpa Jose dying and how he went to heaven to be with you. I was glad that you now have someone you loved with you. I know what an important part of your life Jose was. I can just picture you and Lady meeting him with a couple of cold Miller Lite's when he got there. That is how I will be picturing the two of you....kicking back with some beer, rubbing Lady's belly and catching up on the last 2 years as well as talking about the past.

We remember the snowball fight in the middle of summer. We watch it on video, Mommy taped it and Daddy was out there throwing snowballs. We remember Daddy playing Zelda and Chris tries to get as far as Dad did but he can't. He says if he was here Daddy would show him how to get there. Nick remembers riding the train with Daddy at the picnic. He remembers his dream about Daddy right after Daddy died. He remembers how he went out with Daddy the night before he died and how he was the last one to give him a hug and a kiss. Ben still says Daddy is on the moon. We remember that you will always be in our hearts and in our memories. We remember kissing you goodnight and telling you we love you and you telling us you love us. We remember that you will always love us. We know we can always watch Daddy movies if we need to hear your voice or see you playing with us.

The thing I remember most about Uncle Tony is how he used to scare me with the Beavis mask every time I saw him and then he gave it to Mike so he could scare me with it.

I remember alot of things about Tony. I remember going with him and Michelle to dunkin donuts to get coffee when they came into the city. If I had a car problem he could always fix it. I remember the broccoli story how we all just shook our heads. We all miss you Tony.

There are so many stories I could share about Tony after our 10 years together. I remember in the beginning how he used to pick me flowers as we walked down the street. I remember how he got Sammy because I wanted her and couldn't have her. And even after she went to live with my mom he was still her favorite person in the world. That dog made me so mad how she always ran to him first. She still looks for him when the kids and I come in the door and it breaks my heart to tell her he's not coming.



Honesty was his big thing. He hated liars and always talked about people that did. He couldn't understand why people couldn't just tell the truth. I don't think Tony ever lied about anything in his life. It wasn't his style.



He worked so hard on everything he did. "What's the point of doing it if your not gonna do it right." He put his heart and soul into all his projects and was always there to help anyone who needed it. Whether it was working on a car, helping someone move, doing drywall for someone or patch work or giving someone a ride somewhere. He was always happiest when he was busy and when he could help someone out. Sometimes it would get to me how he was so willing to help everyone else and take time away from me and the kids but it was just his nature to be so helpful and put everyone else first before his own needs.



He could take anything and make something out of it. I remember the shelf he made in the wall from a hole that was there. He framed it and all. He took an ugly hole and made something nice out of it. He was always making things nice for us, redoing things, fixing stuff, repainting, working in the yard. He wanted things to be perfect and he wanted to give us everything he could.



Family meant so much to him. He loved his boys so much. He told me after Chris was born how he wanted him so bad. Someone to always love him unconditionally. He thought the world of Jerry and Cindy and all they had done. He would have done anything for them. He always thought more women should be like Cindy and was impressed by how hard she worked at everything. They were alot alike in many way and he was always willing to help Cindy out whenever she needed it. He had started to get closer to Jay before his death and it meant alot to him. It always bothered him that he felt he didn't really get to know Peter and Paul enough. And as much as he could butt heads with Ma and be so stubborn he loved her with all his heart. Everytime Chris rushes to kiss me so no one sees or cringes when I tell him I love you in front of his friends I remind him how Daddy always gave Grandma a kiss and told her he loved her. He wasn't afraid to have others know he loved his mom.



The kids still talk about the snowball fight in the middle of the summer they had with Tony. I have it on tape and they watch it along with other "Daddy movies." They still sleep with his ashes. Ben still says Daddy is on the moon. They still talk to him, send him balloons and miss him with all their hearts. They will spend more of their life without him than with him. I wish they had more time to get to know him but am glad they have so many happy, good memories of their brief time with him. There was nothing he wouldn't have done for them. It's up to myself and our family to tell them stories as they grow to remind them of their Dad's love and the kind of person he was. They need to know the person he was before the sickness took over, before the darkness and hopelessness surrounded him and changed his perception of reality. The person that was inside his heart battling so hard to be free.

There are many great memories of kindness, love & Tony's outgoing nature. One memory that I feel should be shared here was told to me by a good friend of his:



They were driving around the neighborhood in Tony's little car. On Berry ave. they saw a homeless, mentally challenged man struggling to carry some aluminum.

Tony stopped and helped this man whom he didn't even know. He took his aluminum and tied it to the roof of his little car and made room for him in the back seat with his friends, & took this guy to the recycling place. I believe he may have even given this man some money from his own pocket.

----------

This story is just one of many that truly shows how Tony was. Tony was human and cared for people. He touched those whom he shared his life with and even those he hardly knew.

He made room when there was none. Possibly, he gave from his pocket when he had little to give.

I will forever remember that story as his way of showing his true nature; an honest, loving, caring & sincere individual. He is missed here and in my heart always even though I may not have spoken to him every day, nor even seen his face in his last years. He had shown in his act of kindness, that you don't even have to know someone to care for each other.

------

To Tony:

Feb 4th is always remembered.

Billy

I was in his room yesterday,and my eyes welled up with tears as memories surfaced.Just by what he left behind,I could see the great deal of love that dwelt within his heart for his whole family.He was always there for me.Tony was a straightforward person,as we all know.He wanted things done right-or it had to be done over.

It would be nice if everyone would share an experience they had with Tony here in this tribute,one that shows the kind of funny,honest,hardworking,committed,

loving,helpful,inspirational, inventive,dedicated,responsible,

improvising,intelligent person he was.

There is a place in each of us that wants to heal, that can heal, that will heal. It's a peaceful place, one of nourishment, replenishment, peace, safety, comfort and joy. It's a place of forgiveness, honesty, openness, nurturing and kindness. You can find it quickly, if that's what your seeking. You will recognize it instantly because of how it feels. It will bring you back to center. It will bring you back to calm. Find places of healing. Then go there often. They are yours for the asking, yours for the seeking. Healing placs are an important part of the journey.



=======================



The paradox of healing is that it is both holding on and letting go. We hold on to memories, and we let them go; we hold onto feelings and we let them go. We hold onto an old way of being, because the self we still are resides there, we let go to a new way of being so that self can live on.

Think of him as resting

From the sorrows

And the tears

In a place of warmth

And comfort

Where there are no

Days and years.







Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you,

Smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,

Sweeps you up into it's darkness,

Where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,

Only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...

Grief will make a new person out of you,

If it doesn't kill you in the making.





Grief is a powerful, universal feeling, but it IS survivable.





Our grief always brings a gift.

It's the gift of greater sensitivity and compassion for others.

We learn to rise above our own grief by reaching out and lessening the grief of others.

Tried to post yesterday but it didn't come through. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Just thinking about you today.

We love you Daddy and missed you on Christmas. Nick made an angel ornament at school and said it was for Daddy and put it on our tree. Santa brought us Legos and Remote Control cars and we got board games and a train and some clothes too. We went to the airport to get Grandma and Grandpa yesterday. Ben still says you are on the moon. We wish we could hug you.

As always,and especially at this time of year,I'm thinking of the loved ones that are with us,and those that can't(or even won't)be with us,and remembering the times we had together(good and bad),and hoping for the best for everyone,whether living or deceased,close by or far away.A family is in the heart and mind always,it is what drives one to move on,and remember the past as a precious gift that one never uses up,throws out,or loses.The memories help one grow,and learn,and make decisions(good and bad)that affect the future,and form part of us all,as a family.



Tony will always be a part of our family,though he can't be with us,he is always in our hearts,minds,and souls.

Thinking of you this Christmas & always...

Merry Christmas Tony

****Just A Breath Away****





Look for me in springtime

As raindrops fill the air

In the splendor of the rainbows

You'll find my presence there.



You will find me in the fragrance

Of April's sweet perfume

Drifting through the clover

On a sultry day in June.



An August day will find me

Upon the summer breeze

On the distant sound of the thunder

In the gently swaying trees.



In the golden fields of harvest

Is where I can be found.

As Autumn time approaches

And leaves come tumbling down.



In the wintertime when days are short

And chill is in the air

Just look into a moonlit night

You'll find me lingering there.



When the setting sun has gone away

And shadows fill the night

When the cloak of darkness lifts it's veil

I'll be your morning light.



So when you feel discouraged

Get on your knees and pray

You'll find me there beside you

I'm just a breath away.

***Angels Flying Too Close To The Ground***

By Willie Nelson



If you had not have fallen

Then I would not have found you

Angel flying too close to the ground

And I patched up your broken wing

And hung around awhile

Tried to keep your spirits up

While you were feelin' down

I knew someday that you would fly away

For love's the greatest healer to be found

So leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying too close to the ground

Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound

I'd rather see you up

Than see you down

Leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying to close to the ground





Don't ever think we will forget you....

just hi from me and the boys....nothing more....

***Can't Cry Hard Enough***



I'm gonna live my life

Like everyday's the last

Without a simple goodbye

It all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone

I can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now



Can I open my eyes

And see for the first time

I've let go of you like

A child letting go of his kite



There it goes

Up in the sky

There it goes

Beyond the clouds

For no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now



Can I look back in vain

And see you standing there

With all that remains

It's just an empty chair

And now that you're gone

I can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now



There it goes

Up in the sky

There it goes

Beyond the clouds

For no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

Happy Birthday Tony. We all miss you and think of you always.

***St. Theresa's prayer***



May today there be peace within.

May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be....

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you....

May you be content knowing you are a child of God....

Let this presence settle into our bones and allow your soul the feedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of you....





I'm alright, really I am.

Until the bitter breeze of rememberance blows into my heart.



Then it's that first day all over again,

And I feel as if my breath has been taken away.



Finally, the feelings subside in hot tears

And life once again rushes on.





God din't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.





Good grief is placing one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time. Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died, accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good grief is getting trough the days, the months and , eventually, through the years.





Happy Birthday Tony.

Love always,

Michelle

Daddy, I miss you so....

I can't seem to let you go....

Of all the memories we shared and have,

That's all I need to know.



Daddy, I remember your smile like it was yesterday....

That smile will be in my heart where it will always stay.



Daddy, I miss your laugh which makes me cry,

Why did you leave me without saying goodbye.



Daddy, as I look into the sky and picture your face

I know your safe, in that special place.



Daddy, I'll look foward to the day when were together again

This time, I'll know it will last forever.



Daddy, let me say one thing....

"I will always love you."



Happy Birthday Daddy!

We miss you so much and love you too!

Love always and forever,

Chris, Nick & Ben

Today we think about you and celebrate your life. We should be having cake with you today but there is no cake, there is no you here. All we can do it talk about you and smile at our memories of the time we shared with you.

Happy Birthday to you and sending many hugs your way......

Love,

Michelle

2 more days. I don't know why your birthday effects me so much but I guess it has to do with all that you are missing out on in life. And then to think 1 day later you will be gone 16months. It seems like you have been gone for so long. The kids are adjusting well to our new home. They are making friends and moving foward. They still love you, they still miss you, they still carry your ashes around. But I am very proud of them for how they have dealt with their grief and how far they have come in all of this. They will be starting Rainbows again in a week or 2. That will be good for them. It really seemed to help last year. I am going back into counseling too. There are so many things I am still working through in my own mind and I think I need to do this. I know you are smiling down on us every day, I know we are where we are because of you. The boys already picked out the balloons to send you for your birthday and are going to write their messages to you tomorrow. I will be glad when next week is over. Maybe then I can get rid of this depression for a while. I know you are in a better place now. I know you have finally found the peace, happiness and tranquility that you sought for so long. But I am still sad for our boys. I'm not saying I would rather have you miserable for them but I would rather they have you anyway.

***Beyond the Sunset***



Should you go first and I remain

to walk the road alone,

I'll live in memories garden dear,

with happy days we've known.

In spring I'll wait for roses red,

when faded, the lilacs blue.

In early fall when brown leaves fall,

I'll catch a glimpse of you.

Should you go first and I remain,

for battles to be fought.

Each ting you've touched along the way,

will be a hallowed spot.

I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile,

though blindly I may grope, The memory of your helping hand

will buoy me on with hope.

Should you go first and I remain,

one thing I'll have you do:

Walk slowly down that long, long path,

for soon I'll follow you.

I want to know each step you take,

So I may take the same.

For someday dwon that lonely road

You'll hear me call your name.

--Author Unknown--

****If I Had Only Known****



If I had only known

It was the last walk in the rain

I'd keep you out for hours in the storm

I would hold your hand

Like a life line to my heart

Underneath the thunder we'd be warm

If I had only known

It was our last walk in the rain



If I had only known

I'd never hear your voice again

I'd memorize each thing you ever said

And on those lonely nights

I could think of them once more

Keep your words alive inside my heard

If I had only known

I'd never hear your voice again



You were the treasure in my hand

You were the one who always stood beside me

So unaware I foolishly believed

That you would always be there

But then there came a day

And I turned my head and you slipped away



If I had only known

It was my last night by your side

I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn

And when you'd smile at me

I would look into your eyes

And make sure you know my love

For you goes on and on

If I had only known

If I had only known

The love I would've shown

If I had only known

I miss you,Tony.

***I'm Glad I Touched Shoulder With You***



There's a comforting thought at the close of a day

When I'm weary and lonely and sad

That sort of takes hold of my crusty old heart

And bids it be merry and glad.

It gets in my soul and drives out the blues,

And it finally thrills through and through;

It is just a sweet memory that chants the refrain,

I'm glad I touched shoulders with you.



Did you know you were brave,

Did you know you were strong?

Did you know that I waited and listened and prayed

And was cheered by your simplest word?

Did you know that I longed for the smile on your face?

For the sound of your voice ringing true?

Did you know I grew stronger and better because

I have merely touched shoulders with you?



I'm glad that I live, that I battle and strive

For the place that I know I must fill;

I am thankful for sorrows; I'll meet with a grin

What fortune may send, good or ill.

I may not have wealth, and I may not be great,

But I know I shall always be true,

For I have for eternity that love that you gave

Because I rubbed shoulders with you.

******Forget Me not******



Forget me not, for I am there

In the beat of your heart,

On the wing of your prayer.



Forgive me my parting and leaving you thus,

A joyous reunion is waiting for us!



Continue to strive toward your goal and be brave,

Know that my love didn't stop at the grave.



My spirit is with you through good times and bad.

I share all the joys and the sorrows you've had.



Feel my presence within your next breath,

And realize there's no distance in death.



Ask for my help and I'll answer your call,

Reach for my hand when you stumble and fall.



Run the last mile with a smile on your face.

My arms will be waiting when you finish the race.



Always remember, my love is right there

In the beat of your heart

On the wing of your prayer.

--Linda Shelburn Reagan--

"If You Came Back From Heaven"

by Lorrie Morgan



I wouldn't know what to say

I wouldn't know what to do

If you came back from Heaven

And I could look at you

Would I fumble for the words

Would I be a little shy

Would I burst right out with laughter

Or break right down and cry

Oh, if you came back from Heaven

Would it be like it was then

Could we just pick up where we left off

And try it all again

Oh, if you came back from Heaven

It would freeze me in my tracks

And I hope God knows, if He let you go

I'd never send you back

Do your kisses feel the same

Do you still have the same touch

And will you whisper softly

'Cause you've missed me so much

Have you heard all my prayers

When I laid down at night

And did you feel my body

When I held your pillow tight

Oh, if you came back from Heaven

Would it be like it was then

Could we just pick up where we left off

And try it all again

Oh, if you came back from Heaven

It would freeze me in my tracks

And I hope God knows, if He let you go

I'd never send you back

And if, God forbid,

You leave this earth

Again while I sleep

I hope he knows, if you go

You'll be bringing me back

Oh, if you came back from Heaven

Would it be like it was then

Could we just pick up where we left off

And try it all again

Oh, if you came back from Heaven

It would freeze me in my tracks

And I hope God knows, if He let you go

I'd never send you back

I hope God knows, if he let you go

I'd never send you back

'Til I Can Make It On My Own

music and lyrics by Tammy Wynette



I'll need time,

To get you off my mind.

And I may sometimes bother you,

Try to be in touch with you.

Even ask too much of you from time to time.



Now and then,

Lord you know I'll need a friend.

'Til I get used to losing you,

Let me keep on using you.

'Til I can make it on my own.



I'll get by,

But no matter how I try,

There'll be times you know I'll call.

Chances are my tears will fall,

And I'll have no pride at all, from time to time.



But they say,

Oh, there'll be a brighter day.

But 'til then I'll lean on you,

That's all I mean to do.

'Til I can make it on my own.



Surely someday I'll look up and see the morning sun,

Without another lonely night behind me.

Then I'll know I'm over you and all my crying's done,

No more hurtin' memories can find me.



But 'til then,

Lord, you know I'm gonna need a friend.

'Til I get used to loosing you,

Let me keep on using you.

'Til I can make it on my own.

"Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding it's cocoon. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and to be able to grow."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.



"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience,

we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

-Dr. Wayne. W. Dyer



"There should be no fear of death, for the death of thebody is but a gentle passing to a much freer life."

-Helen Greaves



"Death is just a change in lifestyles"

-Stephen Levine



"A rose will still be a rose in heaven, but it'll smell ten times sweeter."

-Meg Woodson



"I am quite confident that the most important part of a human beingis not his physical body but his nonphysical essence, which some people call soul and others, personality.....The nonphysical part cannot die and cannot decay because it's not physical."

-Rabbi Harold Kushner



"Death...is no more than passing from one room into another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room, I shall be able to see."

-Helen Keller



"I firmly believe that when you die you will enter immediately into another life. They who have gone before us are alive in one form of life and we in another."

-Dr. Norman Vincent Peale



"Just as a little bird cracks open the shell and flies out, we fly out of this shell, the shell of the body. We call that death, but strictly speaking, death is nothing but a change of form."

-Swami Satchidananda



"I experienced the reality of the spiritual body and learned that it has every faculty of the physical body, though with greater sensitivity and some dimensions added....There will be nothing shocking in the transition, only a continuation of who I am now."

-Catherine Marshall



"You live on earth only a few short years which you call an incarnation, and then you leave your body as an outworn dress and go for refreshment to your true home in the spirit."

-White Eagle



"Death is not the end, it is simply walking out of the physical form and into the spirit realm, which is our true home. It's going back home."

-Stephen Christopher



"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find;

knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

-Jesus of Nazareth



When a caterpillar dies a butterfly is born.

***Heaven***

If you could see where I have gone,

The beauty of this place,

And how it feels to know you're home,

To see the Savior's face.

To wake in peace and know no fear,

Just joy, beyond compare,

While still on earth you miss me yet

You wouldn't want me there,

If you could see where I have gone.



If you could see where I have gone,

God made the trip with me.

You'd know I didn't go alone,

The Savior came with me.

When I awoke, He was by my side,

And reached down His hand,

Said, "Hurry, You're going home,

to a grand and glorious land.

Don't worry over those you love,

for I'm not just with you,

And don't you know with you at home,

they'll long to be here, too?"



If you could see where I have gone,

And see what I've been shown,

You'd never know another fear,

or ever feel alone.

You'd marvel at the care of God

His hand on every life,

And realize he really cares,

And bears with us each strife.

And that He weeps when one is lost,

His heart is filled with pain.

But Oh! The Joy! When one comes home,

A child at home again!



If you could see where I have gone,

Could stay awhile with me,

Could share the things that God has made

To grace eternity.

But no, you couldn't ever leave,

Once Heaven's joy you'd known,

You couldn't bear to walk Earth's paths, once Heaven was your home,

If you could see where I have gone.



If you could see where I have gone,

You'd know we'll meet someday

And though I'm parted from you now,

That I am just away.

To thank you dear loved one,

For living, for the Lord,

for teaching me to love Him,

to trust Him and His word.

And now that I am home with Him,

Secure in every way.

I'm waiting here at Heaven's door,

to greet you some sweet day.



--author unknown--

"Acceptance"



I don't know why.



I'll never know why.



I don't have to know why.



I don't like it.



I don't have to like it.



What I have to do is make a choice about my living.



What I want to do is accept it and go on living.



The choice is mine.



I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before, or I can be destroyed by it and, in turn, destroy others.



I thought I was immortal. That my loved ones were also. That tragedy happened only to others. But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable.



So I am choosing to go on living, making the most of my time I have, valuing my family and friends in a way never possible before.



-Iris Bolton-

"Gentle Boys"



This ones for the gentle boy who wrestles with his pain,

His easy bruising tender heart, and ever-active brain.



He feels much more than others do, but then he tries to hide

With laughter or bravado, the gentle boy inside.



With wit and style and artiface, his secrets kept so well.

Who dreams the brace facade you see conceals some private hell?



Meanwhile, the brutes live on and on, their unexamined lives.

The low, the stupid and the cruel, the sluggish dolt thrives.



To fill the world with empty talk and greed and hate and noise.

To breed, carouse and make life hell for all the gentle boys.



Some gentle boys grow heartsick and tired of this charade.

They blow themselves right off the Earth, or fight, then fail, then fade.



If you should love a gentle boy There's little you can do.

If he decides his time has come, he'll leave the Earth and you.



He cannot see that if he goes, You'll never fill that space.

You'll spend your whole life searching for that laugh, that kiss, that face.



How can the gentle boy not know? You loved him beyond death,

You'd help him any way you could, Unto your dying breath?



Someday when justice reigns on Earth, We all may greet with joy

A world where it won't hurt so much To be a gentle boy.



-Mary Withers-

Artist: Celeste Prince Lyrics

Song: Wherever You are Lyrics



Time has come, what's done is done

It's time to move on

To another place, another space,

maybe circling some other sun

Don't ask why, don't ask how

I still can't explain

To say goodbye, goodbye for now till I see you again



In the sunlight that's where I'll be

In the moon night close your eyes, you will see me

In the sunrise in the twilight

I'll be the morning and the evening star

I will be there with you wherever you are



Life is strange, such joy and pain

The betrayal and the kiss

It maybe meant to be, maybe destiny

Leads us down a path like this

Child is born, true love is sworn

All the in-between

Well you walk on, walk on until the path is gone

Learning love is the only everything



So it's goodnight, things go wrong

but it's alright

We're all just passin' through here

At the speed of light



** when I heard this song it made me think of you.**

Always & forever thinking of you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

In a journey filled with unfamiliar landmarks and unexpected turns, those of us whose loved ones lives have ended so abrubtly and with such anguish do not waiver from one unassailiable certainty: We dearly miss our loved one. Yet, our survival and even triumph is the legacy we now carry foward, a testament to the memory of those we have loved and inexplicably lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

The 2nd Father's Day that the boys are without you and once again all they can give you is balloons. Though things are changing in our lives and we are moving foward, some things will never change and that is our love for you. You will always be a big and important part of our lives and you will always be remembered. I know you can see how happy they are in their new home and I hope that makes you happy at least a little bit. You will always be their daddy, that will never change but they need to start to have a stable home life and they have that here along with love and encouragement to go wherever they want to in life. We love you and miss you always...................

Happy Father's Day!

Love,

Michelle, Chris, Nick & Ben

i dont no what to say its been along time i know one thing ill never forget the times we had together we was good friends for a short time never forget going out in your van doing all kinds of crazy stuff ill always have the memorys from the old neiborhood youll be missed deeply just and old friend jim

Tony, I don't know if your guest book here will still be up after the 18th. So if it is'nt, I wanted to post a message for you for Father's Day :



Although you are'nt phsyically here anymore, you are still the father of 3 great sons and every Father's Day is a day to remember and honor the days, hours and moments that you did spend with your children. So on Father's Day this year & every year hereafter you are honored. Happy Father's Day Anthony

-------------------------- --------------

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?

(Quote by Richard Bach)



Our love for you has never left and will always be within us all.

Always thinking of you, Louisa P.

tony, its been over a year and yet still you are always on my mind.things as simple as a mickey mantle card we talked about with the kids,back to our few games of pool we shared.your kids are beutiful and life does go on but know this,those kids love and respected you and will for the rest of their life.you can look down and know that even as life goes forward that there is always room for you in the hearts and minds of everyone who misses you.thank you for the memories and for showing the children the right path in life.you will always be missed and i for one will never forget.

This Memorial Day, we remember you.

Not as a soldier who fought a battle

Read about between the pages of our history book,

Not as a soldier who fought for his country,

For values and a way of life worth preserving.



We remember you,

As a soldier on the battlefield of life,

Valiantly struggling through your own personal war,

A war none of us were aware of,

And all of us would have taken up arms for in your cause.

We would have rallied, given muskets of courage,

Canons of patience, barrels of understanding,

Rifles loaded with love and compassion.

But you didn't let us know we needed to come to your aid,

We didn't know you were on the battlefield all alone.



The dragons of despair, the monsters of melancholy,

The shadows of stress and the presence of pressures,

We would have slayed them, we would have lessened their ability

To lead you astray from a life full of hope, proomise and love.



But now we remember you, this Memorial Day,

For you valiantly fought a battle

Only this family is vaguely aware of.

You were our little soldier, our happy,

Carefree, confident companion.

We wish we could have helped you,

But this was just one battle

You had to fight by yourself.



We treasure our memories of you

And of our times together.

We remember you with love,

But most of all..........

We love you and remember you always.



~Author Unknown~

DIDO

"Here With Me"



I didn't hear you leave

I wonder how am I still here

And I don't want to move a thing

It might change my memory



[Chorus:]

Oh I am what I am

I'll do what I want

But I can't hide

I won't go

I won't sleep

I can't breathe

Until you're resting here with me

I won't leave

I can't hide

I cannot be

Until you're resting here with me



I don't want to call my friends

They might wake me from this dream

And I can't leave this bed

Risk forgetting all that's been



[Chorus:]

Oh I am what I am

I'll do what I want

But I can't hide

I won't go

I won't sleep

I can't breathe

Until you're resting here with me

I won't leave

I can't hide

I cannot be

Until you're resting here with me

SARAH McLACHLAN : Angel



Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there's always one reason

to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

oh beautiful release

memory seeps from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight



in the arms of an angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there



so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there's vultures and thieves at your back

and the storm keeps on twisting

you keep on building the lie

that you make up for all that you lack

it don't make no difference

escaping one last time

it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees



in the arms of an angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here

I remember so many things about this day last year and none of them are good. I still can't believe that it has been one whole year since you left us. There is this ache in my heart in the space where your love lives. You will always be a part of me, I will never forget the things we shared, the life we had together, the good times and also the bad. Our life together shaped me into the person that I am today. I will always love you and I will always miss you. You live on in my heart and my memories.

All my love,

your shell

We are always thinking about you Daddy and we miss you all the time. We hope you are happy in Heaven and look up at the stars to try to find you. We will never stop missing you, you're the only Daddy we have. We are sending you lots of hugs and kisses for Easter and always. We love you Daddy.

Your boys

as easter approaches you are in our mind and thoughts my love goes out to the family and hope that they can get through these tough times and know they are thought about and all HAPPY EASTER

I'm alright, really I am. Until the bitter breeze of rememberance blows into my heart.

Then it's that first day, all over again, And I feel as if my breath has been taken away.

Finally, the feeling subsides in hot tears, And life once again rushes on.


Accepting the death sometimes feels as if you are giving up the fight. Forgiveness comes with resignation-after all, how many choices are there after this? Even though there is a release in surrendering, it comes with a price. You have to acknowledge your helplessness, that you cannot change the situation no matter what you do.


Good grief is placing one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time. Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died, accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good grief is getting through the days, the months, and, eventually, through the years.

"To Where You Are"
Josh Groban

Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me You're memories so clear

Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration Can it be
That you are mine Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far To where you are

Are you gently sleeping here Inside my dream
And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe that Angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight To see you smile
If only for awhile To know you're there
A breath away's not far To where you are

To know you're there A breath away's not far
To where you are

Enigma

album: "Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi"





"Why! ..."



I was childish and unfair

To you, my only friend

I regret, but now it's too late

I can't show you any more

The things I've learned from you

Cause life just took you away

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

Nobody gives an answer

I'm just asking why

But someday we'll meet again

And I'll ask you

I'll ask you why

Why it has to be like this

I'm asking you why

Please give me an answer

Many years and stupid fights

Till we accept to see

How it was and it'll always be

Why it has to be like this

Why we don't realize

Why we're too blind to see the one

Who's always on our side

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

Nobody gives an answer

I'm just asking why

Just tell me why Why it has to be like this

That the good ones disappear

I'm asking you why

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

Nobody gives an answer

I'm just asking why

I'm asking why

ENIGMA

album: "Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi"



"Why! ..."



I was childish and unfair

To you, my only friend

I regret, but now it's too late

I can't show you any more

The things I've learned from you

Cause life just took you away

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

Nobody gives an answer

I'm just asking why

But someday we'll meet again

And I'll ask you

I'll ask you why

Why it has to be like this

I'm asking you why

Please give me an answer

Many years and stupid fights

Till we accept to see

How it was and it'll always be

Why it has to be like this

Why we don't realize

Why we're too blind to see the one

Who's always on our side

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

Nobody gives an answer

I'm just asking why

Just tell me why Why it has to be like this

That the good ones disappear

I'm asking you why

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

Nobody gives an answer

I'm just asking why

I'm asking why