Jon Ryding Obituary

17 years ago my heart was forever broken. You left me, my Jonnie and I still miss you so very much. My baby boy, my son, my friend. From the moment I held you in my arms, almost 55 years ago, I was hopelessly in love. You were my child. A very precious gift given by God. Sadly, what the Lord giveth, he also took away. He knew your illness was more than you could handle so he called you to Heaven. I refuse to say you are in a better place. I hate when people say that What or where could be better than home, here with the family who loves you. We all miss you so much, still brokenhearted and lonely for you. I hope you found the peace you needed so badly. That's the only thing that makes your absence bearable. I loved you then, I love you now and I will love and miss you until the day we are together once more Mommy

Happy Heavenly Birthday, my Jonnie! You were the first thought I had this morning. Then, I thought of my Sissy sharing your birthday with you for the first time in Heaven. She joined you there a few weeks ago. I miss her so much. I miss her daily texting with me. She would have written in your guestbook today to remember you. It was 54 years ago that a frightened 17 year old girl gave birth to a tiny, 5 pound, blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy. That girl was me. That baby was you. I can't believe how much I still miss you. You left me 16 years ago. Eleven days before your 38th birthday. I cried some tears this morning, not so much for what is, but more for what could have been. For all the wonderful things you have missed and will continue to miss. Mandi is a mommy to our precious Sariah now and soon will be to Jemma. Brandon is getting ready to go to his senior prom in a few weeks and will graduate from high school next month. I'm sure you are very proud of them both, them all, and watch over all of us every day. Daddy, Dawnie, Hector, me and everyone else who knew and loved you wish you the happiest of Heavenly birthdays and hope you are celebrating with Aunt Dottie, your Grandmas and Grandpas, and everyone else you've got with you there. I love you, my darling son. I miss you every moment of every day.

My beloved Jonnie. It's your 16th Angelversary. How can that be? In the beginning, I wrote to you on here all the time. Now I hardly ever do. Your Aunt Dottie wrote on here on every Angelversary and birthday. But, not today. I'm sure you know she joined you in Heaven last Tuesday. Although I know, just as with you, it was for the best, it doesn't make it any easier. I really miss her. We texted almost every day until she became too ill to do so. Our last text was March 4th. I'm glad I have several months of texts saved so I can read and reread them any time I want. I wish I'd had something like that when you left me. All I have are a few emails and cards. You have no idea how much we all still miss you. Daddy turned the light on in your alcove first thing this morning. I will light your memorial candle tonight, not just for you but for all our angels. And now, my Sissy is among them. We also lost a very good friend this week. It's been hard, but we will survive. Sissy's services are scheduled April 6th, two days after your birthday. Maybe after that, we can begin to heal from all the loss and heartache. I love you so very much, my precious baby boy. Someday we will be together again but my work here isn't done. We have Dawnie and our little family to take care of and enjoy. Sariah is so much fun and soon her baby sister will be here. Sadly, we had to end Jonnie's Angels. Daddy and I just couldn't handle the responsibilities of running it anymore. Very proud that we helped so many homeless and needy persons in your name and memory. This is your legacy. Much love

I didn´t know Jonnie but from what I heard he was very likable. I bet any money that he´s up in Heaven looking down on his family.

I remember Jonnie as being very upbeat and singing a lot. He was cheerful and happy and I always picture him smiling.

I didn´t know you personally but I bet you were a good son. You are probably looking down from Heaven keeping an eye on your family.

My nephew Jon was one of the kindness and sweetest man I knew. Always concerned about others. Miss him so much as he was such a contributing part of our family.

Thinking of you a lot Jon. Many years have past but still fresh in my mind. I know your with God and that is where you belong but still wish you were with us.
Love you much dear Nephew.

16 days until Christmas Jon. Thinking of you a lot. Thinking of past Christmases when we were together.
The happiness we shared in the family. Even though your happier now still wish you were here with us.
Love you!

2 :25 am. can't sleep. Looking at your picture on my desk.
Holiday's are coming up and your not here. Your family is doing a great job in providing for the homeless in your honor. Something will always be missing but not in our hearts. Love you Jon.

Hi Mrs Ryding I love that you will NEVER forget the memory of your Jon Jon as he would tell me lol. He was such a sweet man. What a hugh loss to your family. In remembrance of your dear son

Happy Birthday Jon!
Wish you could be here to celebrate and all of us could be together. Sorely miss your humor, could use some just about now. I still have the last card you sent me with the drawing inside. Have to call your mom later to see if they are going to have your favorite food for dinner. Love you JonJon . Wish we could talk so you could tell me how beautiful it is in heaven.

LOVE you and miss you,
Aunt Dorothy

My Jonnie. I just took Missy out and there you were up in the sky. The brightest star, my Jonnie star. For twelve years now I've looked for you every night and some mornings too before the sun comes up. I say "Hi! My Jonnie and blow a kiss in your direction. I choose to believe it's you watching over us from above. 12 years ago today I kissed you goodbye when I left for work that morning and by the time I came home, I no longer had my son. You were gone. Took a short cut to Heaven according to the priest at your funeral mass. People tell me at least you're in a better place. I cringe at those words and it's all I can do not to scream at them that you are not in a better place. There is no place better than home with your family. We all live and miss you so much. Me and Pops talk to you every day. He made your niche, your home here so beautiful! It truly is your hole in the sky! Dawnie Butt and Hector miss you bunches. They sure could use their big brother right now. So much has changed since you left us 12 years ago. Some good,some bad. Your beautiful niece Mandi got married right after Christmas. Her husband, Alex, is a very nice young man. You would like him. Mandi misses you so much. She has never gotten over losing you. None of us has, or ever will. Brandon often reminds me of you with his mannerisms and things he says. Although he can't possibly remember you, he often speaks of you as if he does. You are a part of us and always will be. Very uncertain times here on Earth. I don't remember anything like this ever before. It's all pretty scary and chaotic. Not sure if we'll be having your fundraiser in May or not. Only time will tell. I've spent most of today thinking about you, missing you, loving you. I still can't believe you left me. I hope you found the peace of mind you so desperately needed and were looking for. Unfortunately, you took mine away with you, along with a huge chunk of my heart. Today, old grief feels brand new. Goodnight my baby boy. I love you.

Hi Jonnie,
We all miss you so very much! Can't believe it's been 12 years since you left us. There is so much you should have been part of, but even though you left us you will always still be here. Not a day goes by, that you don't come into my mind, either it's a song, a memory from the past or someone who reminds me of you, that let's me know you're still here with us.
I miss you and will always love you,
Kim

Love you and miss you. Pretty soon it will be 12 years but time doesn't diminish the
pain or loss. I keep your photo on my desk and I see you every day. I pray for you but I
know you are with him. Hopefully I will see you someday! Love you, Aunt Dorothy.

Happy 49th Birthday, Jonnie! I miss you and think of you often. Love ya, Nethead

My Jonnie. My precious baby boy. Today is your 49th birthday. It's your 12th birthday in Heaven, your first one only 11 days after your death. This will be the first one our family won't be celebrating it together. I won't be making your favorite dinner, Stuff, or your birthday cherry pie. Time changes everything. Much as I hate it, we move on and live our lives without you in it. Dad and I are going to lunch with friends today. I'll put on my best fake happy face and pretend to have a good time. But, all the while, I'll be thinking of you. Of the precious little baby I brought into this world so long ago. So young and afraid, yet so full of hope for you to have a wonderful life. I loved you with all my heart. I still do, but now my heart is broken. Little did I know on that day so long ago that my time with you would end too soon. I was supposed to die first,not you. You should be here. We should be having our traditional family celebration for your birthday. Nothing is the same without you. Last night, I had a meltdown. They are few and far between but my grief, my pain was overwhelming, as if you had just died 11 days ago again. I was rubbing your urn as if it would make you appear, like a genie in his bottle. Then, I rubbed Maddi's urn too. I needed my beloved little pug to lick the tears from my face like she did when you died. Then, I sat in the recliner, rocked and cried! Sobbed like I haven't sobbed in a very long time. I just miss you so much! My baby boy,my precious son. Oh how I want to hug you, to see your beautiful smile and hear your infectious laugh. I miss singing Happy Birthday to you as you sit in front of the candles on your birthday pie, lighting up your smiling face! I always tried to make birthdays special for you, Dawnie and Daddy. You always made mine special for me, as you did for others. You were so loving and kind, caring about your family, friends, coworkers. I hope you know how proud you made me . You were everything I dreamed you would be on that day so long ago when I brought you into this world. Happy Birthday, my Jonnie! I love you and miss you more than you imagined I would. God bless you and keep you until I can hold you again.

My Jonnie. Today is the eleventh anniversary of your shortcut to Heaven. My heart is heavy with grief. I can't stop missing you and thinking about you. I often wonder what life would be like if you hadn't become ill, lost and died by suicide. I'm pretty sure we would all be a lot happier. I think of the domino effect. Did your death, that horribly sad event, become the catalyst that changed everything and turned all our worlds upside down? So many things have changed since you left us. Some good, some bad. Daddy and I left the house in Chicago. Daddy hated that house, especially after your death. I dreaded leaving it and your memory behind. But, when we saw the model for our home and it had that little niche, a perfect place for you and your Angels, I knew it was ok. We made the move and are very happy here. We live closer to Dawn's family and we've made some wonderful friends. So many of them have embraced us and Jonnie's Angels. It's truly awesome, the support we receive. You would really like them and I have no doubt they would love you! But then, would we even be here if you were still alive? Would we have made a different move? Would you be living with us or on your own? So many ifs..... you are never forgotten. We include you in all our celebrations. Recently, Brandon concluded our family was very strange! We explained to him and to others that you had an awesome sense of humor and would expect no less of us. Our family is doing okay, but would we be better or worse off if you had not died? There is no way of knowing. I know you believed we would be better off without you. I will never believe that because I could never be better off without you. My heart would still be whole, not broken beyond repair. These tears that come from nowhere wouldn't be a part of me I've learned to live with but detest. The sadness behind my smile, much like yours at the end. The sleepless nights, the loneliness even in a crowded room, the music that once brought joy now evokes your memory and, often, the tears. It happened to me just last night. We were at a celebration at our clubhouse, the performer sang If You Go Away and I couldn't hold back the tears. You did go away, so far away, to Heaven. I can't call, I can't visit, I can't be with you. Am I better off without you! Absolutely not! I will miss you, yearn for you for the rest of my life! But, if you are better off there, then I will gladly bear my pain, trading it for yours, because that it what a Mother does for her child. That is what I do for you. Because I love you. Sleep well, my Angel. Until we are together again, always know how much I love and miss you. Mommy

Hi Jon Jon,
It's hard to believe you have been in heaven 11 years. I still remember everything Jon like yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could forget, but it's hard when you love someone and they are gone from this life. As you know your family still has a rough time sometimes but they are keeping you with them for all of the wonderful things they are doing for the homeless. Love you Jon, miss you until God willing I will see you again soon.

Love for eternity, Aunt Dorothy

I miss you Jonnie. Not a day goes by that I dont think about you... A song, a memory can still bring me tears. I love you and will always carry you in my heart.

i miss you so much....

It was just before midnight on Jonno's birthday when I realized I was out of balloons. My son's birthday is the day after. It would have been easy to just forgo balloons and go to sleep after a long day. But then I thought about how Jon would always make the time to decorate a cube for a colleague's birthday. Or how over the top he'd be for his family and friends. It was SO special. Old or young, someone would come into work the next day to an office station covered in happy goofy balloon faces decorated by the Birthday Elf himself.

So I went out and picked up balloons and streamers, came home and started decorating. I even hung lights so that when my son woke up, he'd see a little Birthday love and magic. Because Jonno showed us that Birthdays should be celebrated well!!!

There are so many ways Jon has left his lasting imprint on my life. This is just one of them. I can't look at a balloon or a happy face without thinking of him and smiling ear to ear.

Hi Jon! Happy birthday in heaven. I tried yesterday to write this but I couldn't find the page. Anyway, we miss you and until we meet again always will. I was thinking of the punk rock dance we did when I almost went through your Mom and Dads family room window. Your Mom yelled at me ( the nerve ) but you were laughing your butt off. Wish you were here Jon. I have your card you sent me when you were in california. I tell everyone you were so kind and always tried to make people smile. Always lifting someone's spirits.
Love you much, pray for me Jon?
Love Aunt Dottie

Happy birthday Johnny!!!!

Hi, my Jonnie Cake. It's your birthday. Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy! You would be 48 years old today. How can that be? I wasn't too much older than that when you left us. I was 55. Now I'm 65. Ten years..... It's very hard for me to comprehend that it's been ten years since you left me, left us. March 24, 2008. The day I'll never forget. The day my life changed forever. Funny, April 4, 1970, the day you were born. That was the first time my life changed forever. I was a mother. I was responsible for another. You. My tiny, beautiful baby boy. You were so little. Only five pounds. But, you were so cute, so precious. Blonde hair, blue eyes on a head about the size of a large orange. All ten fingers and toes. Oh, how I wanted to hold you. But, I couldn't. You were in an incubator for the first three weeks of your life, born premature, lungs not quite to breathe on their own. You struggled and I cried and prayed. Sound familiar? Just like I cried and prayed when you got sick in 2006. Just like when you died in 2008. Just like I still do, because you are gone and I miss you so much! How could you think I, we, would be better off without you? How could you not know our hearts were shattered, broken beyond repair, that horrible day you left us? But, if you are better off in Heaven, if your pain and suffering are truly over, then I can live with mine.

I hate this time of year! March 24th. Your death anniversary. Why do we call it an anniversary? Anniversaries are supposed to be special, supposed to be celebrated. How, why would I celebrate the day you died?! It's not a happy day. It's very sad. Ten years without your smiling face, your laugh, your love.......better off without you? I think not. March 24th. I hate that day. Then, as the days pass, I remember planning your funeral, being at your wake and your funeral. Watching numbly as you were taken away from me. Out of sight, but never out of mind. Every minute of every day missing you more than you ever dreamed possible. Better off? I think not. Then, eleven days after your death "anniversary", along comes April 4th, your birthday. What once was a day of celebration is now a day of sorrow. We will gather together. I will bake your cherry pie. We will sing Happy Birthday to you and maybe we'll cry or maybe we'll laugh.....but we will miss you. Easter usually comes somewhere in between or shortly after. Easter. Our last full day with you. I haven't made an Easter basket since. I just can't. It hurts too much! Another long year without you passes. Life goes on, as it should. But it's not the life I hoped and prayed for 48 years ago today, when my tiny little baby came into this world. My hopes and dreams for you were shattered when bipolar disorder took hold of you in 2006. When your suicide, your death, took you away from me forever. But I loved you so from the very first minute I saw you and will love you forever. I treasure every moment, every memory, the love we shared as a family. You were my son, my friend, my beautiful baby boy! So, Happy Birthday, my sweet Jonnie! Mommy will love and miss you forever. ALWAYS!

April 4, 1970- 47 years ago. I remember that day so well. A frightened, 17 year old girl gave birth to a beautiful, blonde haired angel. Seven weeks early, such a tiny little boy. You, my precious Jonnie, couldn't wait to make your entrance into this world. Then, almost 38 years later, you couldn't wait to leave it either. Always in a hurry, always had to do it your way, in your time.

Today is your birthday. I don't need a special day or reason to miss you, but I do miss you more on "special" days. We kept ourselves busy today; haircuts, shopping, filling plastic eggs for the Easter egg hunt here on Sunday. Then, we came home and I busied myself baking your birthday pie, cherry, and making your favorite dinner, Stuff, for you. Dawnie, Hector, Brandon, Daddy and I ate it in your honor. You, in your urn, of course, joined us at the table for our annual celebration of your birth. Brandon realized, and announced, that our family is very strange! I explained to him that I would rather be strange and celebrate your birthday with you than to cry because you're not here and I miss you. Sadly, the truth is, I do both. I do miss you. I do cry. And, selfishly, I resent those who have their children and take that precious gift for granted. Don't realize or don't care about how precious a gift they have. Don't realize how quickly it all could change, how in the blink of an eye, their precious child could be gone forever. God wastes his gifts on the wrong people sometimes. Pity.

Enough of that! Who am I to judge how other people love one another.

We are very busy getting ready for our Jonnie's Angels fundraiser on Friday. We're doing a banquet with dancing this year. Terry is going to be our DJ! I'm so happy he could be there and do it for us, for you! We have 80 people coming, Some old familiar faces, some new. I know you'll be there, out on the dance floor, leading the way! We have tons of cool prizes and I just know it will be a success! So many people care about you, us and Jonnie's Angels. I hope you are proud of what we have accomplished in your name.

I miss you, my blonde haired, blue eyed, precious baby boy. I loved you from the minute I saw your angel face and will love you until I see it again in Heaven. And then, I'll love it for all eternity! Good night my darling boy. I love you so very much! Mommy

Hi Jon,you know I was telling your story a few weeks back low and behold i see your guest book is still opened. I will never forget about you or your family. You will always be in my heart.Mrs.Ryding please call me I don't have your number (909)435-5656 Gloria Arellano

Love you Jon,
Another year has gone by though it still seems so new. I think of you alot Jon of the good memories as a family, your kindness, smile and best, your humor. Even when you were little it was that smile that got to me. Smart as a whip you were. Your picture is sitting on my desk so a day very rarely goes by go by that I don't talk to you and of course I have my collection of pictures taken through the years. These things will have to do until I see you again. God bless you Jon.

Love you Jon!
Aunt Dorothy

It's March 24th, again. I hate this day. It's the day, nine years ago, that my life changed forever. My heart shattered into little pieces and, just like Humpty Dumpty, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Donna together again. My precious son, my baby boy, took so many of those pieces with him when he left this earth that no one, nothing, can ever fix me. I'm broken. Forever.

I remember waking up that morning. It seemed like every other day. Nothing felt different, no warning that it was the beginning of the day that would take you away from me, the day that would break my heart. We had coffee together, talked about what we would do that day, but you lied. You never told me when you kissed me goodbye that it wasn't just goodbye til I got home from work, it was goodbye forever. You never told me that ten hours later I would be standing in the emergency room, touching your face, your hands, and trying to believe you were really dead and all the kings horses....... did you know when we said goodbye that morning that it was REALLY goodbye, not just till I came home from work? Did you know you were going to leave me and take pieces of my heart with you? Did you know how many hearts you would break that day, how many lives you shattered, how many people will wake up today and their first thought will be of you? They will see the date on a calendar, their watch, the news and remember that this is the day, nine years ago, that you died. You left us forever. You found your peace in Heaven. You quieted your tortured mind. You were free from your pain. Ours would last forever. If the cost of your relief is my broken heart, it's worth it. I'll go on living without you. I'll smile, I'll laugh, I'll cry..... I'll miss you forever. I love you, my Jonnie. I wish we could have fixed you and you could have stayed but it wasn't meant to be. Only God could fix you so you decided to go home, to Heaven, to peace. If you knew when you kissed me goodbye that morning that it was the last time, you hid it well just like I've hidden my torture, my pain, my broken heart for nine years........some day we will be together again. Maybe then, all the pieces of my heart will come together again and I'll be fixed. Maybe.......til then I will go on loving and missing you, my Jonnie. Till then......goodbye, for now. Love you, ALWAYS, Mommy

My beloved Jonnie,

Happy Birthday! Our little family just left, Daddy is cleaning up the kitchen and I'm writing to let you know it's been eight years since you left us, today is your ninth birthday in Heaven and I still hate it so much without you. I still want to know why? Why you, why us, why.......

We celebrated your birthday and your life tonight. Dawnie, Heccie, Mandi, Brandon, Mandi's friend Audie and us gathered here at our house for your traditional birthday dinner. Mommy made Stuff with mashed potatoes and noodles and, of course, your homemade cherry pie. You were in attendance too, well at least your urn was here, at the table, with your family. Daddy started us out with a toast to you, Dawnie led us in a prayer of thanks for having you in our lives and then we are dinner. We told stories about you and the things you did growing up. We all laughed so hard, even Brandon, who barely knew you, but certainly knows of you because of all of us. We keep you alive with our memories, our stories and the things we do to celebrate you. You were, are, and always will be so loved. Mommy misses you more with every day that passes. It's not that it's easier, I'm just used to you being gone now. I love you, my Jonnie. If only.... good night my angel. Mommy

Hi Jon,
Another year has past and still missing you so much. You are a big part of our family. You had so much to offer us with your kindness, humor and just being you. It wasn't until your wake that we found out how many lives you had affected with that kindness. Not only friends and family but co-workers as well. That is such a beautiful
tribute to you Jon, especially in this day and age.
I still get mad at you once in awhile as you had so much to offer to us, only you didn't realize that. Sometimes I look at your picture on my desk and cry and sometimes I turn it around cause I'm mad.
I pray all the time for you Jon but deep inside I know your with God and found true happiness. I also pray that nothing bad happens to my family before I die as I cannot imagine going through what your Mom and Dad have.
Almost time for the bowling event you
are going to have to help the homeless, and if it should rain and thunder that day then I know your bowling up there too.
Happy Birthday Jon! Love and miss you!
Aunt Dorothy

Dear Jon Jon.
Missing you as always. Holidays can be rough ones. Still have your picture and card on my desk and still saying prayers at mass for you and Bryant and at night for my Mom too.
I do remember but so much has passed in time and hard to remember everything, not young anymore but your spirit always will be. Put your ornament up that your Mom gave me and next Sunday we will be making up bags to give to the homeless. Still makes me cry when I think of you that way.
Love you, miss you can't be too much longer to see you.

Aunt Dorothy

My beloved Jonnie,

It's funny, in the beginning I wrote to you on here almost every day. It was my way of holding on to you and keeping you close. I couldn't bring myself to stop. It was too much like letting you go and I wasn't ready to do that. Now, over 7 1/2 years later, I realized that, slowly, I let go of this lifeline, but NEVER of you. I never will. You are my son, my baby boy, my friend. You will ALWAYS be in my heart. Not a single day goes by without thoughts of you. You are a part of everything I do. But you already know that because you watch over me and the rest of our family. You are in the white, fluffy clouds in skies of blue, the brightly shining sun and the biggest, brightest star in the night sky. I refer to it as " my Jonnie star " and I feel you watching over us and letting me know you're there. I was so afraid when we moved that I would lose my angel, that you would stay in the house where you lived and died. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you behind. But I realized soon after we moved into our new house and I got you settled into your special alcove that you had come with us and this wasn't just a new house, it was our home. Wherever we go, you go too!

Today is Thanksgiving. I missed you, as always. I thought of you especially as we made the stuffing. I remembered how you grabbed a fork full every time you walked through the kitchen ( which was often) and I would pretend not to notice. You are so much a part of all our holiday traditions and sometimes the void you left make it almost unbearable. Sometimes, I just want to go to bed and hide under the covers until the day passes. But then, Dawnie, Hector and the children arrive and I find comfort and joy in their love. Sadly, our Mandi couldn't be with us today and I missed her and you. There was a sadness in my heart. Our holidays have really changed since the old days when we had both families at a few tables for Thanksgiving dinner along with anyone else who needed a family to spend the holiday with them. Christmas Eve was always my favorite. The house decorated so beautifully, the smells of the foods we prepared, the families, the fun. Piles of gifts that kept us up long after everyone had gone home and we cleaned up. How you spoiled Dawnie....such love shared by our family. As of last year, our Christmas has changed drastically. The six of us go away and enjoy the holiday together. We go places and do things we had NEVER done with you. It makes it much more bearable for all of us. We still miss you but it doesn't hurt as bad as if we were at home, surrounded by the memories of Christmas with you. This is our third Christmas in our home and I haven't decorated or even put up a tree since we've lived here. It just isn't the same anymore, but it seems to be working for our family.

Next week is our annual Jonnie's Angels day. We are preparing to fill 500 gift bags for the homeless, filled with SOCKS and other items they need. Our bags are much bigger now than they were when we started back in 2008. I'm sure you are proud of the work we are doing in your name and memory. So many people have joined us and become one of your angels! Because of their caring and generosity, we continue to grow. Your legacy gets bigger and brighter every year. Jonnie's Angels Foundation is a continuous tribute to you and brings comfort to the homeless and needy all year long! I hope you are proud of what we have accomplished with the help of family and friends, and yes , even some strangers. We adopted a three mile stretch of road to keep clean and I say "Hi, Jonnie " every time we pass the signs with the acknowledgement of the foundation that bears your name. You live on in so many ways!

So even though I no longer talk to you on here every day, every week, every month or even every year, it's not because I've gotten over your death or stopped missing you, it's because I finally realized you are always with me and I don't need this lifeline as I did before. I have survived and adjusted to life without the physical you. For now, I must be satisfied knowing the spiritual you is ALWAYS with me. Where I go, you go too!

That said, I'm going to say goodnight and try to get some sleep. It would make me so happy if you were to visit with me in my dreams! I miss you and love you more than you can possibly imagine! Goodnight, my precious baby boy. Mommy loves you!

My dear friend Jon Jon... My second try...I wish we would a kept closer touch...I miss you and the way you listened and understood. Although I am happy you are free from pain and sadness...you are missed so much! Happy birthday and keep watching over us please!

Jon you sound like you were an exceptional man....i wish i had known you...my loss....meet you on the other side....you'll recognize me...promise

Jackiep

Happy Birthday! :)

What can I say to you my loving nephew, you are and always will be more then blood. They same time heals all but as I look at all the people that loved you and continue to love you. I see that time does not heal only puts a scab on the wound that falls off sometimes a song, sometimes a memory or sometimes just thinking of you. Seven years, seven Birthdays and Seven Easter weeks. But the missing never stops. Enjoy your birthday with the Lord and all the people you loved or they loved you.

I am so blessed to have known you, but even more blessed to have witnessed the relationship between you and Dawn. I can only pray my children will be the best of friends as they get older. Great job Mom and Dad and Happy Birthday Jon!

:( happy birthday. 45 wow. It's been hard without you but I know you are watching over us all. I miss you so much and can't wait to meet you in heven. Last night I made Jell-O shots for the bar. I rember one year we had them for your birthday. So cheers I love you

Hey uncle!! Happy birthday!! I remember how everytime I would come over u would pick me up and I would give you a kiss on the cheek!! You were my best friend!!! And you always will be!! I love and miss you so much uncle Jonny!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

This is my third try!!! Jonnie, I ALWAYS think of you! There is nothing in my life that you were never proud of me for! I think you would be so proud of Mandi and Brandon! I have been thru so many trials these past few years and I have to say Knowing you are an earshot away has helped a lot! I don't reach out to many but you were always my go to person! I miss that. I still hate cards and flowers and don't think I will EVER look at them the same again! I love you today, tomorrow, and always! HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY my big brother!! Xoxo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!!LOVE AND MISS YOU!

Hey you, I never got to say goodbye, I think of you often. We had so many moments together, your were such a good friend. I hate that Rhea never got to know ya, he only here's storys. I know we're you are and we will pick up were we left off, one word....Xanadu, and I'm tired of being the black girl! Love you my friend......

Jonno loved birthdays!!! It was that one special day to be extra loving and silly and joyful. He relished those events for both friends and family. Starting out in our friendship as coworkers, I was working late one of my first nights in the company and I saw him watching for a woman we worked with to leave. As soon as the coast was clear he dropped a bunch of balloons on her desk and began filling them with air. It was funny to watch him blow up balloons as he seemed almost to thin to do it. Lol. I offered to help and before too long, we had a good festive bunch of colorful balloons to decorate our colleague's cube. Next he pulled out a sharpie and personalized each one with a comical and whimsical birthday face--from googly eyes to toothy grins. When she came to work the next day, she was thrilled!!! That was Jonno--random acts of love and kindness, just because.

I'll be sending some up to you today, Buddy!! Happy Birthday!!!!! I miss you.

Hey you, You left before I could say goodbye, typical Jonnie style;) I think of you often, we had so many moments together. I HATE that we lost touch. Rhea's only heard stories of you, I think you too would have gotten along to well! I know where you are and when I get there we have a performance of Xanadu waiting for us.....Love you Mister....

my Jonnie,
Happy Birthday in Heaven!!! even though you are busy singing to God take a moment and hear us sing to you! You are still so special to us and you live inside our hearts and memories until we are joined together again!! I love you and miss you but I know people think I'm crazy when they see me talking to myself but they don't realize it's just YOU!!! Lol!
DAWNIE butt! Xoxo

Jonnie,
I could spend all day writing the great times we had but the FRI-ENDS And our late night scavenger hunts will go down in history!, Going thru MCDonalds and ordering one straw. And buying two cents of gas and needing a receipt!!M Lol! you completed me JONNIE. where my brain left off yours would pick up and vice versa. I still hate buying cards til this day! I thank you every day for Kristy and Karen who on a daily basis will listen to silly stories about you if I needed them and NEVER get bored!!! I love them so much for always being there and they never even got to meet you! Karen and I were just listening to your eighties cd on the way to work yesterday and laughing about your love of the bands! happy Birthday my Big Brother!!!! Xoxo DAWNIE butt

Jon I miss you so much. The other day I was driving and there was the hole in the clouds I thought of you and a tear came to my eye. I know you are looking down on all of us watching over all of us. Happy birthday my dear brother. Luv you!!!

Happy Birthday Jon!! We miss you so much. Bill and I will as always remember our game nights with you. Miss you tons.

Happy Birthday Jon, Miss you, love you much. I would sing Happy Birthday but then you would probably throw down lightening bolts at me. No talent in that direction. Last time we talked was on an Easter. I think as long as I live I will always remember that time. God Bless Jon and maybe you can put in a good word for me?
Love Aunt Dorothy

Happy 45th Birthday Jonnie!! Wish you were here so we could celebrate appropriately. Greg, Orion & I will toast in your honor today! (You would love Orion! I think you'd agree that he's our 4th musketeer. )

Miss & love you always!

Hey Jon Jon I wanna wish you a happy birthday, even though your not around anymore know that you are loved by all of us.

Dear Jonnie Cake, it's been a very long time since I talked to you on here. I used to do it almost every day, then once a week, then......I guess as time passed and I learned to live without you, I no longer needed this lifeline, this strange connection to you. Now I just talk to you whenever and wherever I feel like it.

I often stop to touch your urn and kiss the top as if I were kissing your head. I whisper "I love you" and sometimes I smile at a memory of you or sometimes the tears flow because I just miss you so much!

It's the middle of the night, today is your 45th birthday and I can't sleep. Tomorrow will be Easter, our last holiday together, our last full day together. By the time I got home from work the next day, Daddy was waiting to take me to the hospital because, as he told me, " I think he really did it this time". And, you had. You were gone. All that was left for me in that emergency room was your lifeless body with those cloudy, vacant eyes. My heart broke so badly that it's irreparable. A chunk of it went with you and left this huge hole that nothing, no amount of time can ever fill. But, even so, I would not trade one moment of the almost 38 years we had together. You are my precious son, my beautiful Baby Boy and I love you with all of my heart and soul. I would rather have you safe in the Lord's arms, happy and smiling again, free from that horrible illness than have you here suffering and living in fear of what would happen if you became manic again. I asked God to make you well again and take away your pain. He didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted him to, but he did answer them. You are whole again. No more illness, no more pain, no more fear. I will see you again someday in Heaven. What a glorious reunion it will be! Until I can hold you in my arms again, I will keep you in my heart. Mommy loves you, Jon Jon.

Happy Birthday, my Jonnie! April 4, 1970- March 24, 2008

Hi Jon Jon. Missing you so much! Your family put the best photos up yesterday. They were so beautiful I started to cry. Your life's journey Jon. What a smile! You grew up to be such a beautiful soul, kindmess man I knew. I know your happy where your at, but we aren;t. Still have your picture by my computer. That's the problem when you get cheated out of someone's life. No way to go back. You are loved and certainly missed. I always say prayers for you, that God has you now with him and you are loved still.

Aunt Dorothy

Hi Jon Jon, I miss you my friend!!! We all miss you! Thank you for the friendly reminders over the years that you're still around watching over and comforting us when we're feeling sad and missing you. I love my sweet friend, please come visit me soon in my dreams to say hi!
Xoxo,
Kimmie

Happy Birthday Jon,
Another year of missing you and always wishing you were here. You are at peace with Jesus and we are left here without you. I love you and think of you often.
Love always,
Aunt Dorothy

Hi Jon Jon,
Missing you so much and praying all tge time.
Little by little as the years go by I realize how much our lives have changed without the ones we loved. All the holidays are different, nice but different. Your birthday is coming up shortly and I remember passed b-days especially as a little boy.
Your a good man Jon Jon a decent man. I love you and miss you and I have your picture on my computer desk along with the card you sent when you went to California.
Love you and say a prayer for us!
Aunt Dorothy

Hi my beautiful baby boy! I have not talked to you on here for awhile but it doesn't mean I don't think of you every minute of every day. It's 2:00am and I just can't sleep. I can't stop thinking of you and missing you so, so much. Your "anniversary" is fast approaching. Monday will be here before I know it and it will be 6 years since you left me. I still ask why?? I know I will never get the answer to that question and it really doesn't matter why you went away, it only matters that you are gone and a big part of me died with you that Monday in March 2008. I love you and always will. I miss my baby boy and his beautiful smile. Goodnight, my sweet boy. I will "talk" to you again soon. I'm going to try to get some rest. Love you, night night, morrow, later, morning. MOMMY

Well Jon, its been forever since I wrote on here, guess I dont feel the need cause as you know I think about you often and have no trouble talking to you whenever I choose to but today, right now I feel the need. Of course I have been thinking about you all day. Actually quite a bit lately and I have never been faced with such a tough decision as I was today. Right now I should be bowling with your family. "our family" but I dropped the ball. Unbelievably, horribly I dropped the ball. And I am so sorry! I dont EVER want anyone to think I "forgot" about you. Or that this is not something still very important to me. I will be more than happy to celebrate every birthday till the day I die. I will NEVER forget you. hell i went 15 yrs without seeing you much, but that never meant I loved you any less or "forgot" about you.There is a lot of people you dont "see" but they are still in your heart! But besides that. I am sorry. I know I promised you I will be at Dawnies side every step of the way, and there is no where else Id rather be than with your parents right now but things just didnt work out for me today. And I am truly sorry.I prayed lots and tried but I guess I waited too long.I really thought. Really believed I could do both. I can not believe I am here typing this instead of bowling. But as you know my great nephew was just born. On YOUR day! The very first second I heard Amber was in labor I was estatic!! I was so excited and felt so honored that i would have a Great nephew on a such GREAT mans day. Especially when I know how much you adored Amanda and thinking of you in a Pooh costume in 90 degree weather. But then as I thought about it and the day went on, I was really hoping for midnight to come. Hurry hurry, today is JON's day. Almost felt like he couldnt have it. It was yours. But you know It still IS YOUR DAY Jon! Just now you get to share it with an amazingly adorable little boy! Who with a birthday the same as yours, I am guessing has better odds of becoming a Great man! I am honored Jon. As I am sure you know.
Kinda funny how people often saw, thunder is the angels bowling in heaven. I always thought that was kinda silly, but now I finally believe that could be the case. Cause it sounds like you just bowled a strike. Lots of rain today, but thunder did not start till bowling did. And now it just wont stop.So cool! Well happy Birthday again Jon. We love you!

Hi Jon Jon,
Well my friend, what can I say but that I miss you terribly. I can't believe it's been 5 years since I last saw you. I feel so selfish sometimes when I get upset with you on the things you're missing. I really wish you were here to meet my son Robert, I know he'd love you as much as I love you. I've told him all about you and that you were up in heaven with our cats Jake and Elwood and that your taking good care of them. He thanks you all the time for that.
O' yeah, one other thing about Robert....some people think he looks quite a bit like you.... you're off the hook though, he's only 3 :-)
I miss sweetie.
I love you,
Kimmie

Dear Jon,
It's hard to believe it's been five years already. Still loving you, still missing you so much. I wish my memory would be completely gone of that time.
I say a rosary every sunday in church for you and Bryant. I know you are happy and I know God has you in his loving arms and nothing can ever hurt you again. I love you Jon Jon! Now say a prayer for us ok?
Your family has done some amazing things for the homeless in your honor as you know. I want to thank you for all of your kindness and for the laughter you brought to everyone. You are special.
Love Aunt Dorothy

I have a new tradition that I've started with my kids in honor of Jonno that I thought I'd share with all those here who loved him. They're at the age where board games are so much fun, and they're learning new ones often. Knowing how much fun it was to play board games with Jonno, and how great he was at all of them, we have made it a habit of dealing him on the first round we play. We take turns on playing Jonno's hand. He won at Apples to Apples last night!!!

Jonno, my dear friend, whever you are, it made me smile to think of you playing across the table with me. I miss you "far more than my luggage..." and wish you were here.

Mare-Mare

Hi My Jonnie,

Mother's Day is just a few days away. My fifth without you(sixth,if you count the last one in 2007 while you were in California)! Such a bittersweet day for me. We will be going to Dawn's for the weekend and it will be so good to be with them for a few days! We haven't seem them since Easter. They are always so busy and it's difficult to get together as much as we'd like but it makes the times we are together all the more special. We have brunch plans at Pt Edward for Sunday morning. We've gone there the past couple years. The food is very good and it's on the Fox River so it's a nice atmosphere, too. I will eat the good food and enjoy everyone's company, but all the while, I'll be missing you! You will be there in the back of my mind and I'll feel that hole in my heart. You know, the one made by the piece of my heart you took with you which can never, ever be filled by anyone or anything. That part of me is gone forever. Oh, how I wish you were here! I was staring at your picture on the family room wall last night and it was one of those times when I still can't believe you are gone! Four years later and it still mystifies and surprises me that you really are gone! I know it's true, and yet, sometimes I still have hope that you can come back to me! Oh, what I would give for just one day with you! To see you, hold you, hear your voice again.....If only......I will be thinking of you on Mother's Day and your Grandmas, of course. I hope you will have a nice celebration with them in Heaven. Give them kisses and hugs from all of us. I love you, Baby Boy. Always and forever. Mommy

April 4th, 2012
Happy Birthday Jon! I am looking at you picture along with others of you growing up. Women would die for a head of hair like yours! Such a nice smile. We had alot of fun through the years, we could always count on you for a laugh. But I know better. Called your Mom this morning, making sure they were alright. We miss you so Jon Jon. Say a prayer for us this time? Maybe alot of them!
Happy Birhtday Jon, LOve you and miss you.
Aunt Dorothy

Hello Jon, sorry I have not written in a while. Time just has a way of getting by so quickly. In some ways things seem like they only happened yesterday. My memory is not as good as it used to be but I do remember every thing about you. God willing, those things will never fade. We all had such good times together didn't we. We just finished our Jonnies Angels Foundation bowling banquet on March 24th, which just so happens to have been another day we will not forget. That was the worst day of my life. Anyway the banquet was a huge success. We had close to 100 family and friends there. In some ways it was a celebration to you. We will try to do this again next year, only bigger. I don't think it could get any better than it was. We think you would be proud of all we have accomplished. Your Mom worked so very hard. Next we have the suicide walk. That will be at a different location than previous years. Hopefully we will still get team Jonno out in force. We will be in charge of handing out the beads again to suicide survivors. After that we start getting bags ready for the homeless. With the bowling donations and the generosity of all your supporters, we are hoping to fill about 500 bags this year. I am sitting with your Mom at ACTA today watching her work and giving her moron support that I am so good at. She is only going thru the motions. I know where her mind is today. I wish I could also be with Dawnie. I don't know which day hurts us the most, your birthday or the day of your death. Both days are hard, neither will be forgotten that is for sure. I can only pray that you are looking down these days and keeping an eye on your Mom, Sister, Hector, Amanda and Brandon. I know it is most difficult to make it thru these days without the heartache of missing you. One of these days I will be able to understand all the pain you were going thru. I probably won't know why until I meet up with you again. I just saw a picture of you and Mom that I took of you at the airport the day you came home from California. I was thinking of how happy we all were that you were home at last. It seemed that nothing could tear our family apart. Little did we all know at that time. Enough of sad moments. I will leave that up to others who send letters to you on this site. I was writing to wish you a happy 42nd birthday JC. Thinking of you always. Love DAD

Happy Birthday to you! Today, you would have been 42 years old. I remember that day so well. Just about this time, 7:15am, Grandpa was driving me to the hospital. I remember thinking "I can't be having this baby, it's too early". You weren't due until the end of May and it was only the beginning of April! Yet, a little over four hours later, at 11:44am you were born. Weighing 5 lbs, you were actually a good size for a premie although you had some problem breathing and a slight heart murmur. They whisked you away to the nursery and an incubator and I didn't even get to hold you until I was able to bring you home three weeks later. Just like now, oh how I was longing to hold you! What I would give for one of your great big hugs today! To hear your voice, to see you smile....

If you were here, I'd be making stuff and baking your birthday cherry pie for dinner tonight. No matter how old you and Dawnie got, birthdays were always special in our home. Favorite dinners, cakes (or pies, in your case), gifts were all part of the celebration. Dawnie and I were just reminising last night about one of your birthdays when Mandi was small, only 2 or 3, and she just kept wanting to sing "Happy Birthday" to you and help you blow out the candles. You kept lighting them over and over again for her. It was so precious. You loved her so and she loved you, still does and misses her Uncle Jonnie so much. Since your death, I have made your favorites on your birthday each year and we celebrated your life together. This is the first time since your death that I won't be doing it and it makes me a little sad. But, life goes on and changes as time passes. So, today, I just looked up at the bright,sunny sky and sang Happy Birthday to my beloved son. Did you hear me, see me? I hope so because your birthday is a day I will always honor and cherish the happy memories of all the birthdays we celebrated together.

Today, I thank God for giving me one of the greatest gifts of my life, you! I have been very blessed in my life and my greatest blessings are my family- Daddy, Dawnie, Hector, Mandi, Brandon and, of course, my Jonnie. We shared more love in those almost 38 years you were in my life than most do in much longer lifetimes! The strength of that love, that bond between Mother and child is unbroken by death. It is what sustains me and carries me through these days without you. Your love gives me the strength to survive your death. It is one of my most treasured gifts of life.

So, happy birthday, my baby boy! I love you and miss you more than any words I can say could ever convey.

God bless you and keep you safe until we are together again.

Love, Mommy

March 29, 2012
I miss you Jon and think of you alot. I have your picture next to my computer so it's hard not to see you every day. I still ask if maybe something happened that day to set things in motion. I was so stupid thinking that you came home and with alot of love from family and friends you would make it. You would of thought I should have learned better because of Bryant. I guess there will always be a void in the family. Through the years as time passes and people leave us, things change a little and are never the same again.
As you know I pray for you, and wait for the day I can see you again.
Be at peace Jon is what I pray for and I really feel the Lord is with you.
Love you much,
Aunt Dorothy

My Jonnie,

I sit here at 7:15am acutely aware of what I was doing four years ago today. I was at home getting ready to go to your funeral. It was the day I was dreading most, wondering how I could watch them close the casket later, knowing it would be the last glimpse I would ever have of my beloved son. That moment is forever etched in my heart, for when the casket was closed and I whispered my final words of goodbye to you, this hole in my heart was opened. A piece of me was gone forever. It was locked up inside that box with you. No matter how hard I try, NOTHING can ever fill that hole.

I have learned to live without you in my life. I have stopped the daily grieving, the tears that wracked my body and tore at my soul. Now, the tears fall softly, gently, quietly as I remember you and all you meant to me. You were my Baby Boy, my Son, my Friend at different stages of your life. Our life together began as it ended, in turmoil and despair. But, in between, there was so much love, so much joy and that is what I hold on to and cherish. I miss you so.

Saturday was the four year anniversary of your death. We celebrated your life that night. We had a Candlelite Bowl fundraiser for the Foundation we created in your name & memory. It was our first event and was the best way to mark that day. Many of your friends and family were there. Dawnie had them toasting you with Lemon Drop shots and we all had a wonderful time. Best of all, we raised money for Jonnie's Angels and will be able to help even more homeless persons in your name. Your Pops was amazing that night. He gave the opening remarks and shared your story with everyone there so they would know and understand what Jonnie's Angels was all about and that what happened to you can happen to someone they love at anytime, anyplace. WE believe you were there with us that night and hope you are happy and proud of what we have accomplished because of you. The lessons we learned by watching you cope with your illness and the resulting effects it had on your life. We could not save you, but maybe we can help others, even if just a little.

So, as I go through this day, looking at the clock, reliving what I was doing this very day four years ago, feeling the pain of saying goodbye to you once again, I will try to remember the good things both during your life and since your death and smile through my tears. You are, and always will be, my beautiful Baby Boy.

Once again, I'll whisper these words of goodbye to you- "Love you, nite-nite, morrow, later, morning"....and end with the little laugh you always made at the end of our ritual good night! I love you so, my Jonnie and always will.

Rest in peace, my Baby. Mommy

Well here we are again Jonnie, 3am another year later another walk to be walked. Another day to celebrate your life and share your memory and how fitting being on the 24th. "Your day". I guess that may not be the right way to look at it, being that horrible day, that day that everyone wishes they could just erase from time, that day that forever changed the lives of the people who love you and left that sad spot in their hearts. But though I do think of you often, You are ALWAYS my first thought on each and every 24th and then thoughts of your family follow quickly behind. Always wondering how they will handle the day, always wishing I could erase their minds of the 24th, always wishing the love and support they showered upon you was enough...always wishing..but you know what I finally see they are gonna be alright, I know it will never really BE alright. But they are gonna make it. They may not be the same or look at life through the same eyes or They might not smile as much or laugh as whole heartly but they will make it. With you in their hearts and minds every minute. They have not moved on or made you a part of their past. Your still there. In their hearts, in our conversations. There is nothing I enjoy more than talking to Dawnie or Mandy about you,listening to Dawnie call you names (only out of love ofcourse)or hearing your mom laugh when we talk about our good ole days or bring up the fact that you are around her. Now THAT makes my heart happy and makes me know they will be ok. I will always cherish thoughts,talks and laughs about you that will never fade. Hell my grandpa has been gone 26yrs and he is still apart of me.People dying DOES NOT make them stop being apart of you. Love really does have no bounds, no timetable. Again 3 walks later, this night sucks for me. I cant get you out of my mind, the sadness. As I said I think of you often usually always good, positive, talk to you in my car kind of times but the night before these walks is overwhelming. Really thought it was gonna be different tonight. Actually it was for a bit but then when I thought of sleep and what waking up tomorrow brings and the reality of it I decided against it, So I decided to go for a drive. Kinda made me sadder and I ended up at Walmart at 2am buying fish- but guess what I know have an angel fish named "Jonnie" kinda fitting huh. Well bed does call or I will have your dad out walking me and we CANT have that happening. Love you Jonnie!

Good Morning, my Jonniecake!

Today is August 24, 2011. It is three years and five months today since you died by suicide. It is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. As time and distance have separated me from that tragic day, I've come to realize that, although heartbroken and filled with an incredible sadness, I was never shocked or even surprised that you were gone. Sadly, I think I always knew from the time you became ill in August 2006, that your death would be the inevitable end of your suffering. I just hoped and prayed it would not happen while you were lost to us in California. I thank God every day that we were able to get you home again and you, we had eight months together before the inevitable happened. We all had some time together again to know with certainty that we loved each other. To know that you knew how very much we loved you and supported you. How very much we wanted to help you get well again. But, it wasn't meant to be. You could not get well again. There was always the knowledge that mental illness could not be cured, only controlled, some times. The fear that it could rear it's ugly head at anytime and that Bipolar mania could, once again, destroy you and your life. If I was afraid, I can only imagine the terror you felt at the thought that it was coming back and you and your life would spin totally out of control again. Although I continue to miss you more than I could ever imagine missing someone, I take much comfort in knowing you are free of that fear and that horrible illness. My pain is worth your relief, your freedom from fear, the end of your indescribible sadness. Even when you smiled, I could see the haunting sadness in your beautiful, blue eyes. Now, I'm sure they sparkle again with joy and happiness in Heaven.

I still look for your star every night and again at dawn up in the sky. It's the biggest, brightest star up there and I say "Goodnight or Good Morning, my Jonnie" as I wish upon it. You are always my first thought when I wake up each day and my last thought before I go to sleep at night. And, a million thoughts of you fill the hours in between! Now, these years later, most of them are happy thoughts and memories of our life together. I would not trade one moment, one memory of those years to not to feel the pain of living without you now. Every moment of your life is a moment I cherish, I treasure. Your life was a gift from God. A gift to me. A gift I celebrate with my whole heart and soul. You are one of my greatest gifts and one of the reasons my life is worth living! I hope you know how proud I am of you and what a truly wonderful boy and man you were in this life! You continue to be an inspiration to us all and we strive to keep your spirit and goodness alive. Your body may be gone from sight but your love and spirit lives on in each of us. Mandi is such a champion of Jonnie's Angels! She speaks about you and our angel to anyone who will listen to her. I'm so proud of her. For such a young girl, she "get's it", she understands what we are doing and why. You would be so proud of her, too, Uncle Jonnie.

Anyway, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you, as always. I'm wearing my walk shirt today on this, an anniversary of your death. Sometimes I just feel the need to remind people you were a living, breathing person we loved with all our hearts and miss so much- and not just some cause we champion. The walk is exactly one month from today and then, we'll start this years Jonnie's Angels campaign in earnest. I hope it goes better than the walk. Our fundraising and support for it are significantly down this year. Time & distance.......

For now, just know that your Mommy loves and misses you so much!!!!!

Mama

My Jonnie, my Jonnie,

Oh, how I miss you right now. It should be getting easier to live without you, but sometimes, some days, it just isn't! I sit here still wondering how you can be gone, still asking "why you?", "why me", "why us"?? I know these are questions that can never be answered, and yet, I still long for the answer. I long to make sense of something so senseless. To find the reasons behind your illness and death. Try as I might, I can't.

It's the end of June. Daddy and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. It was wonderful! We took Dawn, Hec, Mandi and Brandon on a family trip to the Smoky Mountains in TN. We stayed in a beautiful cabin, up high in the mountains. So high up I couldn't help but thinking how close we must be to Heaven and to you! Unfortunately, there was never a clear night so I never could find your bright star shining down on us. I really wanted to see that star to know you were there with us! A family vacation is never quite complete without you in it.

We had a great time and lots of fun! Dollywood was a very nice amusement park and the kids really enjoyed it. I could only imagine how much fun you would have had riding the coasters with Mandi and even the smaller ones with Brandon. They love coasters, just as you and Dawnie do. It's hard not to feel a little sad that you weren't there too. I had a blast at the water park. I've never been to one before and it was so much fun getting soaked in the hot sun! Again, you were missed.

After six days in Gatlinburg, we went on to Nashville where Dawn & Hec had booked a room for us at Opryland for our anniversary. We toured the Grand Ole Opry, ate at a place we had seen on TV that served a 72 oz steak (you should have seen it- I've never seen such a large steak and it was cooked to absolute perfection for us! Medium rare! I immediately thought "Jon would hate this, he'd be gagging at the blood on the platter and we'd all be laughing at him." Even after six of us ate from it, there were still leftovers. It was so, so scruptious!! The next day we toured a plantation and the site of civil war battles and a cemetary for confederate soldiers. It was very interesting to all of us.

That night we went to dinner and there was live country music. Everyone had a good time. All in all, it was a truly wonderful vacation and everything I had hoped it would be for our anniversary celebration. Only one thing could have made it better, YOU! If only......

Mandi's 14th birthday is coming up! I can hardly believe it, or that she is starting high school soon. She was still such a little girl when you left us and now she is such a lovely young woman. She really is beautiful, Jon, both in body and spirit. She is one of the kindest, gentlest souls I know. Filled with love and compassion for everyone. Dawn has raised her that way, but I also think it has something to do with you and the lessons we all learned during those last couple years of your life and, sadly, your untimely death. Even little Brandon speaks of you often, as if he remembers you or knows you. It's amazing and very touching when he says with tears in his eyes "I miss uncle" or "I miss Cookoo" depending on his mood. Either way, it's as if he truly does miss you as we do.

I told Daddy I was writing to you. He told me to say Hi from him and send you his love. He misses his boy more than you could ever imagine. Again, we all do and that is never, ever going to change!

Fourth of July coming up this weekend. I'll be looking for your star among the fireworks.

As always, I love you with my whole heart and soul. I hope you have found the peace and happiness I wanted to give you here on Earth. I'm so sorry I failed to make it all right but I hope you know I did my very best.

"Talk" to you again soon!

Love always, Mommy

Jonnie,
I haven't written in such a long time. Today seemed as good a day as any to tell you how much I truely miss you here!

Mandi is "Graduating" 8th grade. WOW Jonnie the last time you saw her, touched her, and told her you loved her she was a little girl. 10 years old and in 5th grade. She will be 14, going to High School and joining the explorers this summer. She wants to be a police woman but I am sure that is NO SURPRISE to you. She is so BEAUTIFUL and the most strongest girl I know.
I cannot stand doing this without you and it is funny how people who do not truely understand what it is like to lose someone the way you left us thinks it is comforting to say things like "HE IS WITH YOU!!! HE IS WATCHING YOU!! HE SEES EVERYTHING!!!" These words hurt because YOU ARE NOT HERE!! YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME!!! YOU CANNOT TELL MANDI HOW PROUD YOU ARE OF HER!! I miss you and your spirit cannot comfort that! I love you so much and you were truely my best friend!
Always remember I will love you TODAY TOMARROW AND FOREVER!
Love
Dawnie Butt

Jon Jon,

Here we are beginning our fourth year without you. It's still so hard to believe you are truly gone and never, ever coming back to us.

We just passed the third anniversary of your death on March 24th. It was a fairly uneventful day. Some people called, emailed or sent text messages to see how we were doing. Some were from surprising sources, people I would never have expected to remember you or this anniversary date. Others I would have expected to hear from, didn't bother. I guess we are supposed to be "over it" by now. They just don't get it. We may be coping, coping very well actually, but we will never be over it! It's not something a family ever gets over.

Same thing happened on your birthday Monday. Heard from some people, not from others. Oh well......

Our family celebrated your birthday on Sunday in our usual birthday tradition. We made all your favorite foods, stuff with mashed taters & noodles, corn on corn casserole, apple sauce, buns and, of course, Mom's famous cherry "birthday pie"! We lit a candle on it and sang "Happy Birthday to you" and let Brandon blow it out. You would have been 41 on April 4th. That does make me feel old, Son! But I'd gladly be old to have you here celebrating with us. You are truly missed.

Jonnie's Angels paperwork seems to be taking forever. That's what happens when you are dealing with the government and all the red tape. Hopefully, it will all be completed soon and we can get on with our plans for it this year.

Not much happening in our lives right now. I got a new car and cried when I gave up the Optima. It was the last car you ever rode in and I have so many memories of us in it together. A few bad, but mostly good. I could see/ feel you sitting in the passenger seat next to me so often- singing and bopping your head along with the music. That car also was my sanctuary during your illness and since your death. I did most of my praying and crying while alone in it. It was the one place I could just let it all go and not have to explain to anyone why I was crying or, worse yet, try to hold it in so I wouldn't upset other people. I hated to see it go, letting go of yet another reminder of you, buy it was time. As Dawnie has so often told me, my memories are in my head & heart, not in "things".

Daddy retired in February. He's been keeping himself very busy working in the house. Cleaning things up and tossing out a multitude of stuff we have collected over the years. You can actually walk in the basement and it even looks really nice. He did some painting and patching down there. You wouldn't recognize it!

We are going to the LOSS Blossoms of Hope brunch on Sunday. It will be nice to see and spend some time with the other parents and families who have survived the suicide of their child, brother, sister, etc...Only us survivors truly understand...I take much comfort in being with these good people I've met at LOSS support groups. I don't think I would have survived, that first year especially, without them.

Easter is coming, again. Although much later this year, it will forever be our last full day with you. A family holiday celebration with no inkling what the next day would bring! Did you know? Did you have it all planned? Or, was it in a moment of true dispair that you made the decision to end your life, your suffering and, as you sadly but wrongly believed, ours? These are the questions that still haunt me three years later, will haunt me til the day I die and you give me the answers I so desperately desire. For now, I take comfort in my belief that you are at peace, no longer tormented by your own thoughts but safe in the arms of our Lord and the angels. My big, beautiful, bright star shining in the Heavens and bidding me a good night. Our own special Angel, watching over each of us and keeping us safe.

We all miss you so much! Daddy, Dawnie, Hec, Mandi, Brandon and me! The children are growing up so fast. Mandi will be entering high school in the fall and Brandon starts kindergarten. Hard to believe all you've missed already. It makes your baby sis very sad when she thinks of how much you are missing. We are all going on a family vacation together later this year, our first. We sure wish you were here to go with us, too. Not quite a "family" outing without you. But, we have gotten very good at celebrating things together and enjoying life, because that is what you wanted us to do. So, we do our best!

I'm lighting a birthday candle for you with my note. Make a wish and blow it out. I made my wish, knowing it can never come true. But, I can keep wishing, can't I? Hoping things were different and you were still here with me. Then, reality sets in and....

Next week is Grandma's birthday. Give her a kiss and hug for me. Tell her I love her and I'm not mad at her any more for keeping you there instead of sending you back home where you belong!

I love you, my darling Jon. You will always be Mommie's sweet baby boy. Happy, happy belated birthday! You are loved!

Out of the Darkness Walk Sept 25, 2010

My Beloved Jonnie Cake,

I can't believe how long it's been since I've "talked" to you here. I talk to you every day, but it's been quite a while since I sat down and put my thoughts into words. I guess it's just one more indication that I'm adjusting to a life without you. For a long time, this was my lifeline, my connection to you. Now I realize my connection to you exists everywhere and nothing can ever break our bond.

So much has happened since July, I hardly know where to begin. Summer came and went so quickly. We were busy with so many things, as usual, that the days and weeks just flew by. I was never even on the Harley again this year! Mandi turned 13 in July and has blossomed into a beautiful young lady, both physically and spiritually. She's quite a girl and you would be so very proud of her.

We participated in our third annual Out of the Darkness walk for suicide prevention in September. It was held at the Chicago Botanic Gardens which was an absolutely beautiful setting. It was the most successful community walk ever, both in number of walkers and donations raised for the cause. Our team had many of the usual people although we lost a few folks, we also added a few new walkers. We still raised a little over the $3000.00 goal I had set for our team and are happy to do it and raise money for such an important cause. But, I will always hate the reason we do it- your death, your suicide. Almost three years have passed since that day and I still miss you as much as I did then, maybe even more since the longer I live without you the more empty my life seems without you in it. Your absence left a hole in my heart that can never be filled and the hole seems to grow wider and deeper as time passes by without you. I love you, my Jonnie. I miss you so much and still find it hard to believe that I will never, ever see you again in this life. It's the most unbearable reality when I really stop to think about it, forever....

The holidays came and went with all the usual fanfare. Our family celebrated Thanksgiving together at Dawn's. We all pitch in with the cooking and thought of you, especially when we made the stuffing! We talked and laughed about your "Julia Child" video when you made the stuffing in Joplin with Terry. You were so silly! We watched the video that night and laughed again.

Christmas Eve we went to church together and then headed to aunt Dottie's for a little extended family time. Shawnie was there with his fiance', yes I said fiance' Tara and her daughter Grace. Uncle Chuck and Jeannie were there as were Sam and her family. It was so nice to see them- it's been years! Many people spoke of and remembered all those Christmas Eves at our house (a.k.a. the North Pole) over the years. We did have lots of fun then! Christmas morning we brunched at Julie's with the Hoglunds and then went to friends of Dawn and Hec's for dinner. All in all, we had a very nice Christmas and good times with everyone but, once again, you were missed. Although we have learned how to celebrate the holidays without you, they will never be the same. There is always something missing in them- YOU!

Jonnie's Angels was a huge success again this year! It was even bigger and better than our two previous years and we are so happy it continues to grow. Mandi was absolutely amazing, talking to her principal and teachers about Jonnie's Angels and you. She told her story with such passion and sincerity that she compelled them to help her cause of caring for the homeless, your homeless. I can't begin to tell you the amount of donations that came in, many from unexpected sources. All those who loved you reached out to champion your cause! We had special bags made this year and filled them with all the usual items, plus more including, of course, socks. Lots of socks!

Brandon's school also collected and the children in his class actually filled bags one day as one of their lessons. He was asked by his teacher to tell his classmates what they were doing and why. Here is the story of Jonnie's Angels, your story, as seen through the eyes of your four year old nephew, who loves you so..."My uncle go cookoo. He live on the street. He had nothing, so we give something to make people happy." Out of the mouth of babes...how precious, how simple, how true! Jonnie's Angels will go on and on. It is our lasting tribute to you and your very kind and generous heart! You life did have meaning, Jon and your legacy will go on for many years to come. I promise you this in the name of my never ending love for you, all of our never ending love for you! Your family will never let your spirit die. It will live on in each of us forever.

My birthday was hard for me this year. I missed you more that day than any other day during the holidays. You always made me feel so special on my birthday. Maybe because we worked together for so many of them and you would decorate my desk or office, bring me flowers and chocolate pie. Mary got me my pie and I enjoyed it, but the day had a sadness to it for me because there was no you. I felt very lonely without you that day.

Shawn and Tara got married in our house this past Friday evening. You definitely were there in spirit, remembered and talked about by many that night. Shawn love you so much. Tara is a very lovely young woman and her daughter, Grace, is a sweet little girl. You would like them both! We are very happy to have them join our family circle.

Saturday we will be celebrating Brandon's fifth birthday and again your absence will be felt and you will be missed. But as I've said, we are getting used to celebrating without you. It's just different than it used to be. We have reached the "new normal" we heard so much about in our early days of grief. It is both comforting and upsetting to realize that life does go on without you and we are able to adjust to that fact and make new traditions that now include your memory instead of you.

Winter is about 1/2 over now. When it finally ends and spring begins, it will be three years since your sad and untimely death. March 24th is just around the corner and a fourth year of our lives without you will begin....Daddy and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary in June, Mandi will start high school and Brandon begins Kindergarten in the fall. So many milestones and new beginnings. I wish we could have helped you find your new beginning so you would still be here with us, where you belong. But, as I said, life does go on....

I love and miss you every day, my Jonnie. I look for the brightest star in the sky each morning and every night and say "Hi, my Jon Jon!" I think of you swinging on that star and saying "Hi, Mama. I love you, too!"

Jonnie, Walk day today and again for the third time the thought is breaking my heart! I KNOW it is for a good cause. I KNOW it helps many others become aware. I KNOW it brings peace to your mom and dad and dawnie. But again I am selfish and find NO peace with it, again it devastates me, again it slaps me across the face with just TOOOO much reality. I love you Jonnie. I miss you Jonnie. I missed you at Christmas and I missed you at miss amanda and Brandon's birthday. I miss you everytime I think about it. I do not have the constant reminder everyday like some do, I do think about it often and it does sadden me and bring me to tears when I think of the actuality of it, but to be honest, I REALLY try NOT to think of it! I still have your necklace hanging from my rearview mirror, so yes I do think of you daily, but on them days (at least most of them) I think happy thoughts. I think of the past and so many memories I have of you. I choose not to think of the end result. I choose not to think of the absolute devastation and loss this whole world had to endure. I choose not to think of the pain and sadness you had been feeling. I try not to think of the overwhelming horrible loss your family, the people I love most, have to live with everyday.I choose to think of your beautiful smile and your great humor. I choose to think of what a great man, brother, son, cousin, friend you were. I am walking again today to honor you and to show you were NOT forgotten!! I am walking to support your sister, mom, dad,niece and nephew. I dropped the ball again this year on raising lots of money and I am sorry. I am a weinie! I have such a hard time thinking about this day and talking about it is just tooo devastating to me and truly brings me to tears. We are walking in 5 hours and the thought of how truly depressing this walk means keeps me awake and makes me want to write to you and tell you how much I did and do still love you. I think I would feel a little better if it was tomorrow, what a tribute to your 2 and a half years gone that would have been. This IS a tribute to you my friend...Please keep me strong so I CAN be there for support and to be able to hold your sister, our sister, up as I promised you I would. I love you Jonnie. Keep Smiling down on us and letting your presence be known and please keep your arms around your family...your friend FOREVER!!!

Deedle, deedle dumpling, my son Jon,
One shoe off and one shoe on....
Remember when Mommy used to sing that to you? I do. I remember all sorts of wonderful things we shared. Most of all our love and friendship! Oh, how I miss having you in my life here on Earth. But, I know you are waiting patiently for me to join you in the kingdom of Heaven. What a joyous reunion that will be (after I finish beating you for leaving me so soon)!!

July is coming to a close. We have had a very busy summer. Last weekend, we attended the Ignite Chicago Christian music festival with Dawnie, Hec, Mandi and Brandon. Kim Howard was there with her husband and children, as were Mirta, her son Junior and friend Annette alond with about 2000 other people. It was so incredible! Such a moving experience for all of us. You were, of course, thought of often those two days. Your love of music at the forefront, our love of you, of God, our belief that we will all be together again someday. Such powerful emotions were felt. Somehow, I just knew you were there, at our sides, worshipping along with us. I felt sadness, joy, love, etc....all the emotions a heart and soul can feel. We will definitely do it again next year!

Next weekend is Aunt Dottie's annual BBQ. Again, you will be missed.

We will be walking in the Out of the Darkness community walk for suicide prevention again this year, our third. I have set up our team, Jonno, again and mailed out my fundraising letters. Donations are starting to come in. I've set a goal of $3000.00 for our team this year, hoping to at least match what we did last year. We raised over $5000.00 the first year. But, as with most things, as time goes by people are less and less inclined to participate. You know, the general feeling that we should somehow "be over it" by now. They just don't understand that we will never be "over it" or you. So, we'll keep trying to do this and our Jonnie's Angel's, of course. Your illness and death showed us the need and we responded. I still think God could have found a better way to bring us here than to take you away from us. But, if this is the road he chose for us to travel, then we will. I know that you and your spirit travel it with us. It is our destiny. It is what we were put here to do, our purpose, our reason- your purpose, your reason for living. So, we do these things in memory and honor of you.

I do love and miss you so, so much my baby boy. Not a day, barely a minute goes by that you aren't in my heart and on my mind. Til we meet again, may you rest peacefully with God and his angels.

Love, Mommy

Hi My Jonnie,

We celebrated Mandi's 13th birthday this past weekend with a party at the beach again. Everyone had so much fun, as always. You were missed, as usual.

Can you believe your precious niece is now a teenager? You would be, you are I'm sure, so proud of her! She has become a beautiful, sensitive, loving young woman. Dawn and Hector are amazing parents and have raised her to be a truly wonderful girl! Because of them, and you, she has such understanding and empathy for others. Sadly, she knows of and understands mental illness, homelessness, suicide and survival. We are all survivors of suicide, your suicide, your death, your illness. But, we have survived it together. Our family remains strong, as always. The beautiful, loving memories of our lives shared with you sustain us. Although we always miss you and wish you were still here with us, the memories of the life we had together, the love and closeness we shared, the very good times we had for 36 years of your life are the things we cling to and these are what gets us through our darkest hours.

I cried a little this weekend, because I miss you so, especially at these "family" times. But, I also did lots of smiling and laughing because we still have the love, the joy, the happiness of family.

Little Brandon has become a "fish". He just loves the water and is becoming a pretty good little swimmer. He spends lots of time in their pool and was in the lake all day at Mandi's party. He, too, is becoming such a big boy! I see a lot of you in him. He's a little imp, such a funny little man and can keep people in stitches for hours. I hope you really can see all of us and know that we continue to enjoy life, even through our sadness. We know this is what you wanted for us. Dawn and I talked about that this weekend. You wanted all of us to be happy, and although that can never be completely possible without you, we have learned to cherish our beautiful, happy memories of you and go on living life as you wanted for us.

You will never be forgotten, Jon. You are a part of us and everything we do. You are included in every gathering, celebration, quiet moments we share. You are, and always will be, loved and cherished by all of us.

I love you so, my darling boy and would not trade one moment of the life I had with you. You are, and always will be, my beautiful, baby boy.

Love, Mommy

Hi Jon Jon,

Well, it's June and the family celebrations have begun, yet again, without you. We celebrated Father's Day and Dawn & Hec's anniversary on Sunday. The family was over and we cooked out. We joked that Daddy would have had to put your burger on the grill about an hour before the rest of them! As always, you were missed.

The Second Book of Catholic Jokes has arrived and "Little Jonnie" is the star once again. Andrew even put you in the summer catalog. It was a surprise for me and I cried when I saw it, then I gave him a hug and kiss for honoring you that way.

Last night, I tried to take a hot bath to relax and soothe my aches and pains. I had just sunken my body down in the hot water when the thought entered my head that I was laying in the exact spot where you, my beloved boy, died! I couldn't take the pain of that memory and got out of the tub immediately. Something so simple, the pleasure of a hot bath, and I couldn't do it. It broke my heart beyond belief to picture you laying there, taking your last breath and leaving me forever broken hearted. I sat on the floor next to the tub and just sobbed until the tears ran out. It hurts so much to be without you! Some days, I wonder how I can possibly go on with this hurt, this emptiness I feel. And then, I think of Daddy, Dawnie, Hec, Mandi and Brandon and I know how and why I go on. I love them so very much, just as I love you! So, I choose to go on living with them in my life. They are the reasons I can and do wake up every day and go on with life.

It's almost Dawnie's 38th birthday. She is now officially older than you. The little sister has become the big sister. You will forever be 11 days shy of 38! J-E-R-K!!! No fair to her, to us!

Dad and I will celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary this Saturday. We have survived so much during those years. The wedding vows say for richer, for poorer- for better and for worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part. We've seen it all. The worse any couple can face in life is the death of a child. Many couples do not survive it. We have and, in many ways, are stronger because of it. We have faced the worst possible tragedy together, with the help of family and friends. So, as we prepare to celebrate another year together, I choose to celebrate your life too. You are now, and always will be, my precious baby boy. I love and miss you more than I'm sure you ever imagined I could. The hurt you left behind is, at times, unbearable but the love you left behind is always treasured. You are always in my heart! Love, Mommy

Hi Jon, After talking to you everyday I thought it was about time to write you a little note. We sit by you every morning and talk with you. I do not think we are crazy, we just miss someone that we love very much. As Mom has said we cannot believe how long you have been gone already, it seems like only yesterday. I can tell which days your Mom is having a Jonnie day. I wish there was more I could do for her on those days. Mom is a very strong person but she sure misses her Jonnie cake. I miss my guitar hero partner, I have hardly played any games since you left. Say have you ran into Grandma Ryding yet? Have you told her about all the things you and Dawn used to do on the trips to Minnesota. You and Dawn were a real pair I tell you. Been trying to think of something I can do in the yard for Mom. Do not just want to do just anything so maybe you can help by visiting with me some night. Think I will hit the road now. The old eyes are getting a little tired. We miss you and all your friends also miss you. There is not a day goes by that your name does not come up in a conversation. Love always Dad

Hi Jon Jon,

Well, it's my last day here at Skokie. Tomorrow I'll report to ACTA at Clark St. I have sat in your old office a couple times today and spoke to you (and cried). It's very hard for me to leave here. I know my memories are in my heart and soul and will travel with me wherever I go, but still, I am leaving behind a place that played a large part in our final years together. The last place we worked together, drove back and forth together, your illness began while here, your return visits, my beautiful garden....all being left behind at close of day today. I mourn yet another loss of you.

Mother's Day was okay. Ricky bird died Saturday morning. Is she flying around in Heaven with you? I hope so. Daddy played some videos of you for me to watch on Mother's Day morning. I laughed, I cried, I smiled...I touched your urn, gave you a big kiss and then called you "Jerk" for leaving me.

Dawnie and family came over that afternoon. We went to Manzo's for brunch and then back to the house for gifts and a nice visit. We enjoyed each other's company and, although we missed you, it wasn't a hurting day. Dawn and I agree, it doesn't take a special day any more to bring the grief. It happens more often now on just an ordinary day. The train wreck happens and the flood gates open.

Anyway, I'm all packed and ready to move on, once again. When I drive away from here later today, I'm pretty sure the "train" won't be far behind me. But, this too shall pass. Be by my side when I leave, okay?

I love you, my beloved baby boy. Now and forever. Mommy

Hi Baby,

I was just sitting ouside, staring at the empty space where your garden used to be. It looks so empty, like I feel. Only a few more weeks and we'll be moving back to Clark St. No more sitting in your empty office and toching the things you touched when you worked here. No more memories of Jonnie to face each day at work. It will be very hard to leave this place, but Heaven knows I've faced lots of hard things these past four years.

I'm sitting here at my desk, surrounded by pictures of you. My two favorites are here. One of you as a boy, about 3 or 4, sitting in the flower garden at Lincoln Park zoo. Your incredible smile on your face, as always! The other was taken in 2006, I believe up in Wisconsin. It's the one we used on our shirts for the walk and the one we made a poster of for yoyr remembrance ceremony last year. That poster hangs on our family room wall now. Your Aunt Dottie spoke of looking at it on Easter. Again, that big beautiful smile! Oh, how I miss that smile and how I miss you!

You have been on my mind a lot lately. You are always on my mind, but even more so lately. Tomorrow is the 24th again. Now, 25 months since you left us. It seems impossible that it's over two years. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday, other times like forever since I've seen you, held you, talked to you. I sure do miss your hugs! I could use one right now. I'm so lonely without you here. Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Are you ever sorry that you chose to leave? Or, are you truly happier in Heaven. I sure hope so! I hope your days are filled with laughter and joy. I hope your beautiful smile lights up the world in Heaven!

When we go up to Wisconsin, I love looking up at the sky and seeing all the stars shining so brightly. I always find the brightest star in that dark sky and imagine it's you! You loved our place in Wisconsin and I'll always remember the last time you were there, Memorial Day weekend 2007, right before I had to send you back to California. You, Daddy and I worked on the ground and started the patio. I think of you every time I look at that patio. We worked so hard that weekend and it was so hot! You and I both got sunburned. I felt so bad, after you were home again, that you weren't allowed to leave the state and couldn't go there with us anymore. I always felt guilty when we went and had to leave you at home. I'm sorry if that hurt you. I'm sorry for so many things and would change them, if I could. But, we can't change the past and must go on with our futures. Mine, of course, is a future without you in it and I have learned to live without you. But, I still don't like it and never, ever will!!! I love you so very much, my Jonnie. I have from the day you were born and will until the day I die and long after that. Save a place for me by your side, ok? I'll see you when I see you! Love, Mommy

Well Jonnie,

Your garden is gone and my heart is heavy. Daddy, Dawnie and I came here yesterday to take it apart. All that remains are the lillies and hostas we planted last year, plus your saying we painted on the boulder. Everything is is gone! When I pulled up here this morning and saw the emptiness where my beautiful garden once was, I felt empty once again.

We packed it all up and took it home. I'm sure we'll plant a garden for you at home but it won't be the same. If I could, I would just hide away until this move is over in May. I'm dreading the last day here when I have to walk away from this place and the memories it holds of you. Good or bad, they are my memories and I have to leave them here.

By the way, your prayers are needed once again for someone we both know and care about. Please do what you can up there for her, ok? Your "divine intervention" has worked before so make it happen again, will you?

I love you so much, Jonnie. Mommy really, really misses you and needs your help right now. This move thing has me very upset and so, so tired of it all.

Oh Jon-Jon,

Today is one of those train wreck days Dawnie and I speak of. I woke up this morning with thoughts of you and thoughts escalated to missing you so bad I can barely breathe. Once again, the tears came out of nowhere and don't want to stop. I wonder if driving under the influence of grief is a crime? Sometimes I wonder how I get where I'm going when the tears are pouring down and I miss you so much it hurts. For almost four years now, ever since you got ill and my life changed forever the car seems to be the place I cry most. Maybe it's because I'm alone and I don't have to explain my tears or try to hide them. I remember our rides to work together and the fun we would have just talking or singing along with the tunes. I look over at the empty passenger seat now and want so much to be able to reach over and hold your hand, look over and see you smiling back at me, but all I see is the empty seat and the sadness and lonliness I feel overwhelms me. Then, i get here and again, I see your empty office and the now empty bookshelves where you organized all Greg's books. Why are they empty, you ask? Sadly, we are getting ready to move out of here. We are moving back to Clark St in May and I can't stand the thought of leaving here, this last place we worked together, the place that holds so many good memories and yes, even the bad ones when you got sick. Sometimes, i can look up from my desk and see you, imagine you bopping thru the front office. I see your big beautiful smile coming my way and my heart stops. I miss you so much, my baby boy! The move also means I'm going to lose my beautiful Jon's garden, my place of solice and peace. Daddy and I will probably come take it apart this weekend and just the thought of doing that breaks my heart all over again. As Dawnie said- just one more thing I have to let go of. I'm tired of letting go! I never wanted to let go of you- why did you force me to do it? Why did you leave me and give me no choice but to let go? Why, why, why....more questions, no answers. I love you, my Jonnie and miss you more than you could possibly imagine. If you had known how badly I would miss you and how much it was going to hurt, would you have stayed? I'd give anything, everything I own to have you back in my life. There is such a gaping hole in it and my heart without you. Help me heal, my darling boy. I need your spirit to help me through this move and the days ahead. I love you so. Mommy

You brought so many smiles and so much happiness to those you came into contact with Jon. You are a very special person who left this world way too soon.

Those of us you left behind will reunite with you some day, but until then, know we miss you with all of our hearts and will never forget the special light you shown during your time here.

You are so loved by so many.........You will be forgotten by none of them.....

Dear Nephew,
Well, your birthday and Easter are over once again. I sat in the family room at your parents house and looked at the laughing man in the picture on the wall. You always did have a great
smile! Gosh we do miss you so. Easter is the reason we will be with you someday. Some sooner then others. Can't wait to tell you exactly how I feel! You are in such DEEP TROUBLE!
How is the great debate going with our Lord? Have you tried changing his mind about a few things?
Say some kind words to him about me
ok? We love you Jon and always will.
There's a big void now in our family.

Love Aunt Dorothy & Uncle Ray

Hey Jonnie,
Now that the days have past yet again, when it comes down to it the pain still remains! It is so hard sometimes to imagine that I have to go through the rest of my "life" without you! Its funny but the actual days dont hurt anymore, it is the daily living and the HIT BY THE TRUCK moments that kill! I have those more often now than before. You were the one I could call when I was lost and count on for answers. Now what do I do?

If you knew how much it would hurt would it have made a difference? Or was your pain much greater than I could ever imagine? I MISS YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

Mandi is growing into such a beautiful young woman. So smart, so strong! You would be so proud! Saying "Yeah thats my Niece!!!" Brandon is a silly goose and you would be having so much fun with his goofiness!

I think of your HORRIBLE last minutes and they haunt me ALWAYS!! But then my faith reminds me of what a beautiful home you have MOVED to! I cannot wait till the day we get to be together again! We will laugh, joke and love the way we did in this life for all eternity! Praise GOD!

Jonnie, I will love you today, tomarrow and forever!!
Luv,
Dawnie Butt

Happy Birthday to you, my dear Jonnie! I can't belive my son would have been 40 years old yesterday! Do they celebrate birthdays in Heaven? Or, do you forever stay the age you were at the time of death? You died 11 days before your 38th birthday, so are you forever 37?? Or, did your Grandma's and Grandpa's have a "over the hill" celebration for you yesterday? Although, I'm sure they celebrate Easter in Heaven as it is the holiest of all Christian holidays, so maybe no birthday party, huh? Easter is the holiday that reminds us of Christ's sacrifice for us so we could have eternal life. It is that eternal life that gives me hope I will see you again someday, will be reunited with my beloved son later.

Anyway, we celebrated Easter and your birthday. Dawnie and her family along with Aunt Dottie and hers all came for our celebration. And, instead of the usual Easter dinner, I made all your favorites. We had "Stuff" with mashed taters and noodles, hot biscuits, Daddy made his corn casserole and, I did bake a small ham. I began my day by baking you two perfect cherry birthday pies! They came out just right! I lit your candle and let it burn by your side all day. When I had my slice of cherry birthday pie, I stood there looking at your pictures and stroking your urn and quietly sang happy birthday to you, my Jonnie. I couldn't help but wonder how you would have chosen to celebrate your big 4-0! I tried very hard to rejoice in the day and not dwell on the fact that you are gone. I did pretty good, until everyone left, that is- then, I just went into the bathroom and let the floodgates open. I cried for you, for me, for our family, for all the good times we will miss with you. I miss you so much my darling, darling boy! I will never get used to the fact that you are gone. Today, although the date is not the same, is the day after Easter. The day, two years ago, that your poor Daddy came home and found you dead. The day he met me outside and told me we had to go to the hospital because he thought you "really did it" this time. You had. I knew it as soon as I saw his face. I knew you were gone. I'll never forget standing over your lifeless body in the emergency room, kissing you goodbye- you were still warm. Coldness and hardness had not yet set in. I still wonder how I did it, how I stood there that day after Easter and didn't scream, or yell, or curse or.....I just stroked your cheek, held your hand, kissed you goodbye. Then, Daddy took me home and the nightmare began for real. A house without you in it, yet with the memory of that day and of yesterday, Easter, our last day with you. I know I'm rambling on, but that is how my thoughts are flowing today. I'm sitting here at work, just as I was that day after Easter. Only today, I know what awaits at home. No Jonnie. Jonnie is gone forever from my home, but not from my heart. I love you, Baby Boy. Happy Easter and Happy, Happy Birthday!! Mommy

Happy Birthday Jonnie!!! Happy Easter too!! I find it kind of comforting for this big day of 40 to land on Easter because today of all days is the day we should be reminded that death is NOT the end for us, we are christians so we have eternal life. Your soul and spirit live on,your presence and love live on. We need to be reminded that we will all see our loved ones again, we will all be reunited and live peacefully and happy with those we love. We have all eternity to spend in harmony. And when my time comes, I will see you again.
I have no doubt you heard me this morning as I said happy Birthday and I am sure you heard all the others as well. You were not forgotten today Jonnie and you never will be You are so loved by many. Happy Birthday!

I never had the pleasure of meeting Jon. However, I know he must have been a very special person as witnessed by the perpetual acts of kindness and love by his family and friends. May his memory be eternal.

Helllooooo there gorgeous!!!!!! Oh how I miss hearing those words from you my friend. Everytime someone says "Fabulous" are "Faboo" I instantly think about you. The "YOU DON'T KNOW JACK" games still sit in the CD rack. Somehow playing that game just is not the same. I miss you my friend, but I know deep in my heart that although you are physically gone, you will always be with us in our Hearts.. Love you Jonnie~

Jonno, I know how you felt about birthdays! You reveled in birthdays, and enjoyed celebrating them with your family, and friends so much.

In the boring, tan cubed walls of NTC, you took it upon yourself to cheer the lives of all around you on special occasions. One would know by the exhalation of breath into latex, and the subsequent squeaking of your permanent marker after hours that someone's birthday was the next day. You'd blow up balloon after balloon and draw silly smiley faces on them before you'd tape them on the sides, and throw confetti all around. Without being asked, you would always decorate a cube to make someone feel special on his or her birthday. You were so special.

I remember your 30th birthday like it was yesterday. The scar from the baking incident finally faded, although I enjoyed giving you crud about that for a few years. We couldn't surprise you, clever that you were, but we tried so hard!! That was such a fun party. I remember laughing with you until we couldn't breathe when Kathy U was demonstrating correct forms of pole dancing with Stephano as if it was a professorial lit class. And your crazy 80s dancing with Diana's cousin!!!

We partied until the wee hours of the morning, and Dawnie whooped it up big time!

I miss playing board games with you, coming up with outrageous and lengthy phone messages to entertain you, the song tapes you'd make for me, and the feeling that you were some freaky yin to my yang that just made life right.

You had me at hello, brother. I miss you more than my luggage, and I would have really enjoyed giving you crap about getting old. I miss you so much.

Love,
Mare-Mare

Dear Donna, Rick, Dawn, Hector, Amanda & Brandon
We remember Jon all the time and can't understand why he is gone. He was such a loving, kind and fun person. It is painful to think he was so sad and it was beyond his control. He could not have known the sorrow he would cause. We pray that you find the strength to move on day to day.

Kathy and Dave Ryding

Two years have past
since our last goodbye.
We still don't know
the reaons why.

We ask ourselves
day after day,
Why, dear Jon
did you go away?

Away from your family
who loves you so,
we comfort each other
still the pain won't go.

Your Pops and I miss
our smiling boy,
Sadness and grief
have replaced our joy.

Dawnie and Hec
miss their brother, their friend,
Some memories bring tears
will they never end?

Mandi misses her Uncle Jon
she's grown so much since you've been gone.

Little Brandon still speaks of you.
Can he really remember time spent with "Uncoo"?

Life goes on, as they say-
Still, we take it, day by day.
Some are good, with smiles and cheer,
others are bad with sadness and tears.

How many days must we spend
for the long, sleepless nites
to come to an end?

Hi Jon Jon,
How are you my friend? I miss you so very much! You're always in both my heart and mind, but this morning when I woke up it hit me especially hard. I feel selfish because I know you're no longer hurting where you are at, but I still wish you were here with us.
I love you my Jon-Jon, big kisses from your Kimmie

Dear Jon,
We love you and miss you so very much. It's been two years but seems like yesterday. we keep you in our hearts every day. I pray the rosary for you at church although your not in need of it as your with our father now and nothing can ever hurt you again.
I try very hard just to remember the good times but your death caused so much grief for us that sometimes the questions haunt me. I will never forget our conversation that Easter Sunday in your parents kitchen. I am so grateful I had that time with you as the next day you were gone.
I have your pictures in my computer room so I do get to see you every day.
Rember the time you kids had a party and we were doing the ' bump'? you bumped me so hard I hit the family room window and your Mom yelled at ME and told me to grow up! I thought I had! Thanks Jon!
Oh and what about the time you watched Shawn for me and when I came home the land lords told me you and Shawn were throwing out water baloons at the people going to their door in the apartment building neaxt door. Thanks Jon! Oh yeah, and what about the time I found out 15 years later that you and Dawn while watching Shawn for me would not let the kid go to bed until he sang the froggy song?? Thanks Jon! You were a very bright light in this family Jon and I try very hard to think of the good times when I am feeling sad. We love you and miss you always.
Love you,
Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Ray